Is the grass really greener?

Today I read a heartfelt letter of a man who no longer feels love for his wife. He describes his once beloved as, "a comfortable roommate."

This man, in his letter states that his once loving and fulfilling partnership is no longer working; we are just not right for each other, we are very different, and we have nothing in common.... except for their lovely children.

As I continue to read, I notice his reasons for the whithering and floundering of his once loving marriage. He suggests their differing religious beliefs are the root of the problem. He believes his wife's more fundamentalist beliefs are causing the problem, while his lack of religious belief is difficult for her.

It seems to make sense.

But the letter goes on.

He describes a several month separation from his family due to a relocation across the country. He describes how during this extended time away from his loved ones, he has developed relationships with others more similar to him. He describes a particular relationship with a women with whom he has emotionally bonded in deep and profound ways. He discusses the acceptance, intimacy, and freedom he enjoys among his new friends. He shares his new found joy in being able to live without the constant demands of family.

What is clear.... the problem is not the issues surrounding religion, not the lack of things in common, and not the "just growing apart."

The problem is, the relationship has not been nurtured, nourished, and attended to.

Of course, for many people a single life, without cares, responsibilities, and duties is easier than attending to a marriage. And, often when we engage in intimate relationships without real life interfering life looks more romantic, exciting, and comfortable.

No surprises here.

But the grass in not greener on the other side of the fence, and as many will tell you, sometimes there is not even any grass.

A healthy relationship takes work, and lots of it.

Healthy, loving, fulfilling relationships do not just happen. They are like a fine fabulous garden that requires energy, time, love, tenderness, and never-ending care.

The idea a marriage can be healthy and happy without the emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual/soul investment is really quite incongruent with reality.

And, when things get tough, when the relationship is sick and wilting, someone else always seems to look more attractive.

Yes, there are times when a particular challenge becomes too much for a relationship but more often than not, perhaps in 99% of cases, these external circumstances are not the problem. The problem is lack of attention to the relationship.

I am convinced that regardless of the situation, if a couple decides they will make their marriage vital, alive, and loving, it can happen.

The key is not in specific answers to a particular challenge. It is in the determination, commitment, devotion, care, and love.

This couple, like all couples can allow their challenges to divide and destroy their marriage, OR they can find ways to overcome the difficulties, working together to make their marriage healthy, and heal the wounds that have harmed their love!

If you want green grass, try watering the lawn.

forward momentum

We're all waiting for the same thing, the same moment, the same emotional epiphany that's not coming. Moving somewhere new, meeting new people, changing lifestyles. It all does nothing. If you have a void you need to fill it yourself before your life will feel complete again. Heal yourself, stop waiting for someone else to do it.
You aren't going to be the same person. You're not fixing yourself to become the old you. Please relish in the fact that you are no longer who you once were. Isn't that the purpose of life? Keep the parts of you that you love, grow in them. Let the pain that consumes you make you stronger and smarter. Don't hide from what hurt you but confront it head on and absorb all you can from it.
So I'm begging you, break my heart. Tear me apart and show me where I'm weak. I want to feel everything. I'm still broken and I wouldn't have it any other way. When I do love again it will only be greater because of the pain we caused each other. Stop blaming and start thanking.
Because really, what's the point in being mad anymore? We are all exactly what we are supposed to be and while these petty experiences will change how we feel they will never change the underlying person. I'm not changing, and neither are you. We can stop trying now.

it's ok to lose!

There has got to be a genetic fear embedded in my subconscious: the fear of loss. It may stem from my culture, upbringing, or other unknown factor. This fear compels me to take action in a disoriented state. Between you and me, it has caused more mistakes and bigger mistakes. The harder I tried to hold tight, the faster I lose the things I come to love.

In the past few months, I have locked myself away in a dark place where I obsessed and over analyzed why things turned out the way they were. The more I obsessed, the quicker events manifested in a more freakish trend. I came to an understanding that I needed to stop resistance to things in life that I had no control over. This epiphany did not come naturally, it only arrived after having my heart shattered.

For once, as long as I could remember, I have been content with my life: a love that has been blossoming and a career opening up doors. I was happy with the way things were developing. In a blink of my eyes, life has come to test me, wanting to see if I was serious about what I had asked for. Just when my whole world has been turned upside down, inside out, I was able to reflect and decide what kind of woman that I want to be and make dramatic change.

I learned that it was the chase to own that I have become weary of. It was the very act that made me realize that only I have the key to release myself from that painful place, learning the peaceful surrender comes with acceptance and letting go, something I should have done ages ago. Simply by changing myself, I can then alter events. I am still looking for that silver lining and waiting for the eventual gratitude of this series of unfortunate events. I could only be surprised, shocked, panic, sad or I could be calm in an overjoyed manner.

"You have to live Spherically, in many directions. Never loose your childish enthusiasm and things will come your way."

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(My Kids Could Paint That) :: consumption is a way of life

Summery: My kids Could Paint That raises the century old issues on "what kind of art should be made, in what context it would be viewed, who would view it and in which ways ideology and discourse have conditioned how works are understood” (1). While a whole constellation of ideas about global economy and contemporary culture is forming, Marla Olmstead, a controversial four-year-old abstract painter has shaken the notion of art as a commodity and traditional value and aesthetics.

Amir Bar-Lev, the filmmaker, has first become fascinated with this story from an article on the New York Times for its surface theme of the world of modern art. However, with the art openings, interviews, fancy limousines and TV appearances becoming a way of life in the Olmstead’s family, the story has taken a turn to focus on the dynamic of the family, authenticity of Marla’s art and the more complex themes of art and commerce.

With the accompaniment of the first national sales and international fame of Marla, her paintings are selling between $5000 to $10,000 and a wait list for the future months to come. The paradoxical paradigms of art and commerce in this part of the documentary have been uncomfortably incorporated in the same dialogue for the reason that they are often pursued and practiced by different people with very different interests. The tension between the outburst of the media coverage and Marla’s work has commanded reinterpretation of what was once reliable and no longer is in this contemporary period.

It is interesting to see the mature controls appeared on Marla’s painting: the organic process that looks at unconventional execution of the material, the dripping, the staining, the pilling, stacking and the hanging. It just takes on this creative journey as a process that opens itself up to the qualities of non-traditional means without any pre-determined compositions or plans.

There are some parts in the film that reminded me of the association of art as a symbol of superior status quo that is marked by institutions of authority. This is how art being exclusive to one social class and excluding others. Over and over in this cultural context, art is seen as a high pursuit coupled with wealth, the power to purchase art, and the leisure required to enjoy it. With the increasing potency of mass consumption, mass media and popular culture evolved over time, art with its indefinite, function free, and form of distinction rooted in European Romanticism is challenged and questioned.

As public culture is increasing intervened by economic and political anxieties and in this case the massive media coverage like 60 minutes, the need for re-examining the questions about how the personal, emotional and aesthetic experiences are influenced by external factors, who holds the power to decide how art and what kind of art should be promoted in public sphere, and at the same realizing that art holds cultural power to communicate, influence and nourish every aspects of society.

In an epoch where French-owned Van Goghs are sold in London to the Japanese for tens of millions of American dollars, the value of art, once derived from social and aesthetic status it had within culture, is being exposed in international markets. The notion of art as a commodity is challenged most vigorously when mentioned is made to public sector, art galleries, and museums that store and exhibit these exclusive, unexchangeable and irreplaceable objects. Cultural significance can and is, by demonstrations, acquired economically and art, although unique, is not the only commodity to hold such elevated status; nonetheless in the arts the contrasts shows better than in any other realm. No matter how highly one values the art and culture, they are shaped by individuals and institutions functioning within the common economy, and consequently are confronted by the constraints of the corporal world. The film sets out to describe a sense of continued turmoil and leave readers (academics, writers, students, curators, architects, critics, economists and artists) in a space that encourages flourishing dialogues, ideas, and perspectives to continue the pursuit of how one thinks about art with regards to commerce in a modern context.



Marla Olsteam's Official Site
View Trailer : My Kids Could Paint That

1. Fox, D. (2001). Art. London, University of Minnesota Press.

The pendulum effect

I am miss cellophane to you.
Walking out on you, i flinch.
Saturated and overwhelmed with the most inconsequential interactions, I noticed the subtle shades of blue.
My delicate soul dances to the swing of your emotions.
This mellow debate of ours is full of unexpressed glances, tainted with unspoken smiles.
Flustered with the thought of you, i want to be invincible.

High on the idea of you.
(i will talk to you from here)

what?! I am a lesbian now?

ok people, here is the little dirty incident that happened late afternoon yesterday. I was going toward Starbucks on Main street.
As i was walking towards the door, i saw an object moving at warp speed towards the door. It was a stocky build woman hustling through but halted right beside me and said 'Allow me."
"oh, ok thanks," i responded startlingly.

Shortly after, as i was waiting in the long line, she moved beside me to rummage through things on the side table and attempted to initiate conversation with me. It all began with the innocent pickup line like 'it's a windy day don't you think?" the woman with her half torn military khaki shorts and massive pockets said.

I reluctantly answered her questions and all of the sudden, out of blue, she turned to me and said "would you like to go dinner with me." i was like in my mind having a matrix moment (whao, dude-tress?) Mumbling some words that goes like "what? i dont even know you" was all i could muster to say.

"but i really would like to get to know you." she was persistent like a little kid trying to get her mom to buy her favourite toy.
"eh..im not a les...i don't really go that way" as my voices faded under my breath.

Her face crimsoned and out of her shivering voice, "i could have sworn you are a lesbian."

Almost Doesn't Count?

The formation of art (the gathering, sorting, collecting and associating) rather than any predetermined composition or plans emphasizes the concept of change and transience. Art is seen as a creative journey, as a process that opens itself up to the qualities of non-traditional means. It is an organic process that looks at unconventional execution of the material: the dripping, the staining, the pilling, stacking and hanging. The so called 'new art' has opened up another dimension that involved to the body, improvisation and random occurrences. As I look intensely into the process of painting, I wonder the validity of the statement: 'Art imitates life.'

I always thought that it was the process that counts through my training and experiences of life. However, I just can’t get my head around it in relationships. My friend proposed to me an interesting suggestion: 'it's like buying apartments, you would likely try living in different apartments before committing to a place of your dream.' He suggested that same thing should apply to relationships. Trying out apartments and living in different locations does not forbid you from going after the dream house when you stumble upon it. He told me that I should embrace the notion of 'living in the now', opening myself to date and enjoying the benefit of what love might come with (the good, the bad and the ugly)

But what if you were with someone for all that years, you ended up with nothing to show for? Are you going to be bittersweet about the relationship and walk away saying: that was great while it lasted? The deliverable or the end product, at time, seems greater than anything especially in relationship (imo). I guess, relationship, to me is not just living in the now. It comprises of past, present and future. I suppose, at the age of 27, that I should have had a better grasp of what this is all about. I should have had lessons on it. Maybe I am finding it incredibly difficult to jump from ship to ship or test the water out or maybe I am, simply put, too damn uptight. To this day, I am still trying to derive what shape how I am and what drives my emotions. But I do know this, I am a relationship-er.