sorry! my heart is closed for the time being

inspiration: working it out vs tossing it out

It has been more than 8 months since my last relationship.

After sending my closure mail to him expressing my disappointment and gratitude, I made sure I only focus on myself and myself only. I was nurturing my wound in the way I know how, shutting all contacts from him. I was slowing piecing my life together. It is not much of a struggle anymore however, his recent missed call did set me back a few steps in my attempt to evolve and untangle life.

There are guys that expressed interests after the knowledge of my breakup. I have always believed that time alone after an intense relationship is much required. It is almost the foundation to the next potential one. I do not want to explore ahead; all I wanted to do is time for myself, figuring what I want, who I want and how I want to move forward.

In the midst of moving forward, I have encountered this:

Out of blue, one of my old colleagues confessed on msn that he had a soft spot for me and I remained one of his beautiful possibilities. As flattering as it is, I did not interrupt him because I thought he was just going through a stage and wanting to unburden so he is able to move forward, much like what I am doing. (never assume people, never assume)

we hardly talk if we do, it’s mostly professional/work stuff since he had been a great reference. Much to my surprise, it did not just end there. We met up for tea to catch up and it is probably the third time in 4 years since we saw each other. In my mind, I thought it is only the professional thing to do because I am going after a job that requires references. During tea, he interrupted the flow of our conversation and asked how I feel about what his confession.

My reply was: nothing!

I could sense his shock so I went on to explain that I assumed he just wanted to let it out without any expectation. He was surprised that I said I felt nothing since he thought there was definitely some chemistry and how he is almost never wrong about this. (well) He even went on to describe some proof and his perception of how things were. I explained to him that I have no desire in participating in this. I can not and I will not:

He is a person that I trusted professionally. I felt betrayed. Unbeknownst to me, he has a different story built up in his head, choosing to believe that I was reciprocating. I was not serving him any extra attention or giving him the wrong impression. We never spent anytime outside of work when I was at that company. I was particularly unimpressed by one of his comments: ‘I would like to have someone who is passionate, curious, and ambitious about life and I see that all in you. I know after what you told me I should feel sh*tty but I do not. I still feel hopeful because whoever I want, it would always work out’ (WOW! good for him for being so confident but really?!)

He is involved with someone else. Seriously! I really do not have respect for people that are looking and exploring ahead while providing someone else with a false sense of security. I was enraged when I expressed my view on his behaviour. It is cowardly. I do not buy his reasoning nor do I understand his action. I know I should not judge because he is much closer to the matter than I am. All I can do is to exit gracefully from his pathetic attempt to include me in this drama.

I am upset with how vulnerable people are and how fragile a relationship is. Nothing lasts.

I guess the worst would be where he is trapped himself in: the forever limbo.

what?! I am a lesbian now?

ok people, here is the little dirty incident that happened late afternoon yesterday. I was going toward Starbucks on Main street.
As i was walking towards the door, i saw an object moving at warp speed towards the door. It was a stocky build woman hustling through but halted right beside me and said 'Allow me."
"oh, ok thanks," i responded startlingly.

Shortly after, as i was waiting in the long line, she moved beside me to rummage through things on the side table and attempted to initiate conversation with me. It all began with the innocent pickup line like 'it's a windy day don't you think?" the woman with her half torn military khaki shorts and massive pockets said.

I reluctantly answered her questions and all of the sudden, out of blue, she turned to me and said "would you like to go dinner with me." i was like in my mind having a matrix moment (whao, dude-tress?) Mumbling some words that goes like "what? i dont even know you" was all i could muster to say.

"but i really would like to get to know you." she was persistent like a little kid trying to get her mom to buy her favourite toy.
"eh..im not a les...i don't really go that way" as my voices faded under my breath.

Her face crimsoned and out of her shivering voice, "i could have sworn you are a lesbian."

Beware of pop psychology

Since this is my first post on my blog on Easter Holiday, it goes to show how none-religious i am. Although, i do wish to be at Bucharest, watching all the parades and beautifully painted Easter eggs. I miss travelling, simply wandering on the streets of unknown. Yet, i am settled here uncomfortably into the professional working life.
Sometimes, i wonder if this is it. I wonder if it's just pure pop psychology: the thought of the origin. I have been on a certain path: student, work, marriage,(maybe baby) death. I believe i am expiring. i am just going through the motion of life, day in and day out, what is preventing me to be the real me?
oh well, i blame it on myself. ^^