it's ok to lose!

There has got to be a genetic fear embedded in my subconscious: the fear of loss. It may stem from my culture, upbringing, or other unknown factor. This fear compels me to take action in a disoriented state. Between you and me, it has caused more mistakes and bigger mistakes. The harder I tried to hold tight, the faster I lose the things I come to love.

In the past few months, I have locked myself away in a dark place where I obsessed and over analyzed why things turned out the way they were. The more I obsessed, the quicker events manifested in a more freakish trend. I came to an understanding that I needed to stop resistance to things in life that I had no control over. This epiphany did not come naturally, it only arrived after having my heart shattered.

For once, as long as I could remember, I have been content with my life: a love that has been blossoming and a career opening up doors. I was happy with the way things were developing. In a blink of my eyes, life has come to test me, wanting to see if I was serious about what I had asked for. Just when my whole world has been turned upside down, inside out, I was able to reflect and decide what kind of woman that I want to be and make dramatic change.

I learned that it was the chase to own that I have become weary of. It was the very act that made me realize that only I have the key to release myself from that painful place, learning the peaceful surrender comes with acceptance and letting go, something I should have done ages ago. Simply by changing myself, I can then alter events. I am still looking for that silver lining and waiting for the eventual gratitude of this series of unfortunate events. I could only be surprised, shocked, panic, sad or I could be calm in an overjoyed manner.

"You have to live Spherically, in many directions. Never loose your childish enthusiasm and things will come your way."

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The pendulum effect

I am miss cellophane to you.
Walking out on you, i flinch.
Saturated and overwhelmed with the most inconsequential interactions, I noticed the subtle shades of blue.
My delicate soul dances to the swing of your emotions.
This mellow debate of ours is full of unexpressed glances, tainted with unspoken smiles.
Flustered with the thought of you, i want to be invincible.

High on the idea of you.
(i will talk to you from here)

The Plunge

I want intensity. I want intelligence.
I want kisses so hard that mouths are bruised.
Willingness to lose sight of any main goal and just go with what it is.
I want soft violence and late night conversations involving UFO's and the theory of evolution.
I want to silently drink vodka in the middle of a field.
I want grammar to never need correcting.
Eyes that tell a million stories, scars that tell more.
I want something perhaps unobtainable.

my every third thought

i don't come here to rant (much)

I guess the best thing about a blog is that you have the freedom to write every third thought on your mind and people are forced to read it (technically)

With this entry, i would like to explore a subtle emotion titled 'jealousy' It is this tingling feeling in your stomach that makes your blood boil just a little bit. It usually happens when you are not getting what you want and when the world stops spinning for you (it never does anyway but you like to think it did at one point)

I must admit I have been experiencing the feeling of jealousy a whole lot lately. It is not something i am proud to say but i am admitting it ('hi my name is Debbie and i am a jealo-holic' )

It's true. I don't remember having to feel that before. What has happened to me? As i get older, i have started to pay more attention to how i am feeling. I realize that i have mellowed the hard edges. I am not as tough (young) as naive (young) or as brave (young) as i used to be. I cry a lot more now. I worry a lot more now. I feel insecure a lot more now. What has happened to me? It is draining.

I have run away before. I was unhappy with the situation and i just packed up my bag and ran, hoping a new place, a new experience would excite me, bringing me something that i was not able to find within me. I was wrong. Perhaps, i was looking for that little special something that just does not exist. It is this pre- constructed pre- conceived notion called 'happiness'.

The many trips of 'i have gone to find myself' never did help me find myself. I am back to square one all over again. Dont get me wrong. I loved the process, the thrill of it, the sweat of it, the pain of it, the pleasure of it, every minutes of it.

i guess that's what matters - i guess that's why i am jealous of this someone, this something that reminds me of what i had gone through before and i am about to seek again.