my every third thought

i don't come here to rant (much)

I guess the best thing about a blog is that you have the freedom to write every third thought on your mind and people are forced to read it (technically)

With this entry, i would like to explore a subtle emotion titled 'jealousy' It is this tingling feeling in your stomach that makes your blood boil just a little bit. It usually happens when you are not getting what you want and when the world stops spinning for you (it never does anyway but you like to think it did at one point)

I must admit I have been experiencing the feeling of jealousy a whole lot lately. It is not something i am proud to say but i am admitting it ('hi my name is Debbie and i am a jealo-holic' )

It's true. I don't remember having to feel that before. What has happened to me? As i get older, i have started to pay more attention to how i am feeling. I realize that i have mellowed the hard edges. I am not as tough (young) as naive (young) or as brave (young) as i used to be. I cry a lot more now. I worry a lot more now. I feel insecure a lot more now. What has happened to me? It is draining.

I have run away before. I was unhappy with the situation and i just packed up my bag and ran, hoping a new place, a new experience would excite me, bringing me something that i was not able to find within me. I was wrong. Perhaps, i was looking for that little special something that just does not exist. It is this pre- constructed pre- conceived notion called 'happiness'.

The many trips of 'i have gone to find myself' never did help me find myself. I am back to square one all over again. Dont get me wrong. I loved the process, the thrill of it, the sweat of it, the pain of it, the pleasure of it, every minutes of it.

i guess that's what matters - i guess that's why i am jealous of this someone, this something that reminds me of what i had gone through before and i am about to seek again.