Is the grass really greener?

Today I read a heartfelt letter of a man who no longer feels love for his wife. He describes his once beloved as, "a comfortable roommate."

This man, in his letter states that his once loving and fulfilling partnership is no longer working; we are just not right for each other, we are very different, and we have nothing in common.... except for their lovely children.

As I continue to read, I notice his reasons for the whithering and floundering of his once loving marriage. He suggests their differing religious beliefs are the root of the problem. He believes his wife's more fundamentalist beliefs are causing the problem, while his lack of religious belief is difficult for her.

It seems to make sense.

But the letter goes on.

He describes a several month separation from his family due to a relocation across the country. He describes how during this extended time away from his loved ones, he has developed relationships with others more similar to him. He describes a particular relationship with a women with whom he has emotionally bonded in deep and profound ways. He discusses the acceptance, intimacy, and freedom he enjoys among his new friends. He shares his new found joy in being able to live without the constant demands of family.

What is clear.... the problem is not the issues surrounding religion, not the lack of things in common, and not the "just growing apart."

The problem is, the relationship has not been nurtured, nourished, and attended to.

Of course, for many people a single life, without cares, responsibilities, and duties is easier than attending to a marriage. And, often when we engage in intimate relationships without real life interfering life looks more romantic, exciting, and comfortable.

No surprises here.

But the grass in not greener on the other side of the fence, and as many will tell you, sometimes there is not even any grass.

A healthy relationship takes work, and lots of it.

Healthy, loving, fulfilling relationships do not just happen. They are like a fine fabulous garden that requires energy, time, love, tenderness, and never-ending care.

The idea a marriage can be healthy and happy without the emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual/soul investment is really quite incongruent with reality.

And, when things get tough, when the relationship is sick and wilting, someone else always seems to look more attractive.

Yes, there are times when a particular challenge becomes too much for a relationship but more often than not, perhaps in 99% of cases, these external circumstances are not the problem. The problem is lack of attention to the relationship.

I am convinced that regardless of the situation, if a couple decides they will make their marriage vital, alive, and loving, it can happen.

The key is not in specific answers to a particular challenge. It is in the determination, commitment, devotion, care, and love.

This couple, like all couples can allow their challenges to divide and destroy their marriage, OR they can find ways to overcome the difficulties, working together to make their marriage healthy, and heal the wounds that have harmed their love!

If you want green grass, try watering the lawn.