Rule #1 - Stop Feeling Sorry for Yourself!
“Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in this world.” - Helen Keller
Oh, come on. Admit it.
We all do it every single day.
Everybody enjoys wallowing in a little self-pity. It feels great to remind ourselves how terrible the world is. How we’ve not been given the right opportunities. How people are against us. How life has been a real struggle this past year.
Right?
But here’s a true secret to happiness. And it’s probably the biggest, easiest and quickest happiness secret you’ll stumble across. Ever. If you want to be happy – just stop feeling sorry for yourself. Self-pity, you see, is the worst kind of emotion. It eats up everything around, except itself. It leaves itself standing in the middle, feeling sorry for how poorly life has been treating it. We’ve all felt like that, right? Maybe you feel like life has dealt you a bad hand. Perhaps you’ve lost money, family or health. It could be that you’ve missed out on so many opportunities that others have been easily granted – and you think that fate really HAS been unfair to you. And that viewpoint might even be 100% correct.
But STOP feeling sorry for yourself.
It’s not going to help the situation. It’ll only help you to wallow in a state of apathy, playing the victim. The kind of person that things happen to, but that can’t do anything about it. By stopping feeling sorry for yourself, you can actually get on and DO something about it. Trust me on this one. This is the biggest ever technique for putting a smile onto your face. If you want to be happy – stop feeling sorry for yourself. You could close this book right now and you’d already hold the wisdom of ten thousand self-development courses, and double that number of self-help gurus. And it’s so simple. In fact, it’s worth repeating (and rewording) one more time: Stop feeling sorry for yourself – and you will be happy.
Rule #2 – Be Grateful
“If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough.”- Meister Eckhardt
We live in a fast-paced, microwave, drive-thru, Buy-It-Now society. It’s a society that has forgotten to be truly grateful for the things around it. We only tend to be grateful for things when we no longer have them. Think of the sense of relief you gain when you just get over an illness, and are so thankful that your turbulent tummy has now settled. Consider how appreciative you are when those tests come back clear. Or when the speeding camera doesn’t flash. Or when you finally find your lost child in the supermarket. These are the moments in life when we realize how blessed we truly are. Yet how many of us truly appreciate that on a day-to-day basis? My guess is very few of us. We only become grateful of things when we think we don’t have them. But here’s the thing: by counting our blessings every day, in a very literal way, we become happier people. Research across the globe in countless studies has proven this over and over again. So, when was the last time YOU were truly grateful? Think of all the wonderful things you have to be grateful for right now. It could be your family. Or your health. Maybe your home. Your friends. Your brain. Your heart. Your spirit. Even your DVD collection. We’ve all got amazing things in our own lives that make us smile with joy. Things that bring a secret, loving tear to our eyes. And if we can only learn to count these blessings every day, we’ll discover a true happiness and greater appreciation of the beautiful world we surround ourselves with. So, if you can, make that part of your daily ritual. Count your blessings, briefly in the morning, and briefly at night. Then smile at the world for sending such great things your way. Be grateful – and you will be happy.
Rule #3 – Say Yes More
“I will say yes to every favour, request, suggestion and invitation. I will swear to say yes where once I would say no.” – Danny Wallace
“No!” is a wonderful word. It’s powerful, it’s universally understood, and it stops everything in its tracks. By saying no, you’re instantly slamming the door and holding it shut, ensuring nothing else gets through. But how many of us say “No!” way too often? You see, “No” really holds us back in life. It closes us off to many of life’s wonderful experiences, and causes us to resist what happens around us. When we say no, we’re swimming against the current. When we say yes, we’re swimming with the current. Which do you think is easiest? Which produces less stress? Which is faster, and more enjoyable? We say “NO!” to life’s funny randomness, when a passing bus splashes rainwater all over our new jeans. We shout “NO!” to our emotions, resisting and fighting grief, when our pet rat passes away. We yell “NO!” when we don’t get that promotion, which we’d been working so hard to achieve. Long story short: we say NO to everything, too often. We fight against what happens to us in life, rather than allowing it to be as it is. We resist it, rather than accepting it. We say “No!” rather than saying “Yes” – or even just “Okay.” By saying “Yes!” more to life, we go with the flow. Things become more enjoyable and positive, less stressful and anxious, and often the situation turns out for the better regardless.
So, SAY YES MORE.
And what about saying “Yes!” more socially too? Say “Yes!”
when you’re invited to that party. Say “Yes!” when you’re asked if you’d like lunch with the boys. Say “Yes!” when you’ve asked to go on that speed dating night, which you wouldn’t normally even consider. (That’s what Danny Wallace did in his great comedy cum self-help book “Yes Man.” He said yes more. It changed his life.) So, if you’d like to flow more with the current of life... If you’d like to inject a little more excitement into your day... If you’d like to enjoy the random twist and turns of fate...
Then SAY YES MORE.
The Australians call it a “bias for yes.” The Spanish say “Si a todo.” Buddhists describe it as flowing with the river of life. In this book, we simply say yes more. Try it out, even if just for a week. It’ll change your world. Say yes more – and you will be happy.
Rule #4 – Follow Your Bliss
“When you follow your bliss, doors will open where you would not have thought there would be doors; and where there wouldn't be a door for anyone else.” – Joseph Campbell
In life, it’s easy to end up in the “wrong place.” We’re doing a job we hate. We’re living with people we dislike. We’re keeping secrets, when we’d rather be open and genuine. We get stuck and don’t feel authentic, because we’re not truly doing what we want. Does that sound like you? If so, you need to find what makes you truly happy. American mythologist Joseph Campbell summed up that process of seeking your own true happiness and authenticity in three simple words: “Follow your bliss.” Sometimes in life, we all stray and lose direction. We’re half- way up a ladder we didn’t want to climb, rather than at the bottom of one that we do. By not following our bliss, we permanently limit our happiness and stop ourselves truly enjoying our lives. Are you following your bliss? One thing bliss is not – and that’s money. Bliss is what you’re doing when you’re wrapped up in the moment. When you’re so thrilled just to be doing it, it ceases even to be work anymore. Your bliss occurs when you’re living in the moment, and time doesn’t really matter anymore. My bliss is helping to run a number of really big businesses, while teaching self-development. In fact, I love it so much that I’m typing this rule while on holiday in Thailand. It’s not for the money, it’s for the pleasure. I’m immersed in my own bliss. So, what’s YOUR bliss? You may love teaching tube surfing on the beaches of Australia. Or running your own small accountancy firm. Or helping teenagers discover and appreciate the world of art. When you were a child, and played with a kite, you were immersed in your bliss. As an adult, what makes you feel like that again? And how can you increase that in your life? Follow your bliss. You know, I have a theory that absolutely everyone in life knows what they need to do in order to become happy. It’s just that most aren’t brave enough to take the steps to do it.So, that’s your challenge. Take those steps, follow your bliss – and you will be happy.
Rule #5 – Learn to Let Go
“By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try, the world is beyond the winning.” – Lao Tzu
Emotions are the things that make us human. When we cry, we’re experiencing emotion. When we’re fearful, we’re experiencing emotion. Whenever we’re angry, upset, passionate, greedy, scared – we’re experiencing emotion. But sometimes emotions need reigning in! They cause us not to make that fantastic speech at the company conference, because we’re scared of the platform. They stop us making up with long-gone friends, because we’re still maddened with anger. They cause us to stay in relationships that damage us, because we’re still emotionally addicted to the misshapen void the relationship fills.
Emotions aren’t always good for you. You are NOT your emotions.
Emotions are just things that happen, and which you can (and should) control.
Sure, that sounds easy. But here’s the thing: it actually really is easy. The best way to let go of our troublesome emotions, the emotions that are holding us back from happiness, is to discover the art of releasing. So, what is releasing? Releasing is the ability to realize that you are desperately “gripping” onto emotions in your life. You treat them as if they’re “you.” It’s about realizing you can let go of them, unclench your fist around them, just by making a simple decision. How can you start releasing? The simplest method is just to go through your life, recognizing where emotions are holding you up. Are you angry about your home-life situation? Your working hours? That incident you just had, with the rude guy at the grocery store? Bring that issue or situation to the forefront of your mind. Connect with the emotion. Then, ask yourself: “Can I let this go?”
Can you let it go? Just for this moment? Could you release this emotion? Breathe out, and answer honestly with either “Yes” or “No.” Either answer is absolutely fine. If you can let it go, then do it. Really feel yourself letting go. Feel yourself releasing, unclenching, relaxing, detaching. It should feel something like when a doctor calls to tell you those worrying tests have come back all clear: an immediate release of worry and tension. And if you can’t let go right now, don’t stress it. Give yourself permission to hold onto it some more. It’s your decision. How does that feel? If the emotion still has charge, simply repeat the process until you feel better – or until you feel like stopping. Remember, letting go doesn’t mean you “forgive” the person at the grocery store, or you “allow” that kind of behaviour. It just means that you release the negative emotion inside of you. By releasing negative emotions, you’ll not only enjoy much more freedom in your life – you’ll also become more emotionally stable and less stressed too. So, learn to let go – and you will be happy. (PS. Releasing is so important, I’ve included a how-to mini- course at the end of this book. It’s in Appendix I: “A Short Course in Releasing.”)
Rule #6 – Do Random Acts of Kindness
“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” - Dalai Lama
We’ve all felt it. That spark of happiness which ignites within us whenever we
do a good deed for someone else. We hold open the door for the elderly lady behind us, and she returns the favour with a warm, grandmother’s smile. You bring a box of chocolates into work for no particular reason, and get the warm attention of all your colleagues. The truth is that doing things for other people really makes US feel great! The more we give, the more we receive. And one perfect way to add a little extra happiness to your own life, and the outside world, is to indulge in Random Acts of Kindness. Or RAKs as I prefer to abbreviate. So, what are Random Acts of Kindness? Well, the clue is really in the name. A RAK is a small act of kindness that you grant to someone else in the world – for absolutely no reason whatsoever, without expecting anything in return. The classic example of a RAK is to pay at a toll booth for the car behind you. The recipient of the Random Act of Kindness will not only be flattered and uplifted by your generous deed, it’s likely they’ll “pay it forward” to someone else too. And that person may pay it forward yet again.
Indeed, your single Random Act of Kindness could just change the world. So, what Random Acts of Kindness could YOU indulge in – to make yourself, and the world around you, happier? Donate to a charity shop. Give someone a hug. Write a letter of appreciation. Say “I love you” to your parents. Pay for someone behind you. Donate blood. Scrape the ice off a stranger’s car windscreen. Do something for them that they can’t. Give $1 of your money in the best way you can. Become a conservation volunteer. Give your groceries to a neighbour. Take someone out for the day. Spend time with a local elder. Send someone a bunch of flowers, randomly.
Take chocolate into work for sharing, without a reason. Thank your mentor for their support. Plant a tree. Pick up litter. Be someone’s biggest fan for a day. Be nice to someone who looks low. Smile more. Give food to a nearby shelter.
Hold open the door. Give a cup of food at http://www.thehungersite.com. Remember, it doesn’t have to be exuberant, and it doesn’t have to cost you a penny. Just throw a little extra kindness out to the world – and watch how you find greater happiness starting to flood back into your own life. So, do Random Acts of Kindness – and you will be happy.
Rule #7 – Happiness Is Only Ever Now
“Few of us ever live in the present, we are forever anticipating what is to come or remembering what has gone.” - Louis L'Armor
Many pubs in the United Kingdom have an infamous sign hanging above the bar:
“Free Beer Tomorrow!” It’s funny because, of course, “tomorrow” never comes.
But when you think about it, how many of us truly live our lives like that? We spend so much time waiting to be happy in the future, or worrying about the past, that we forget to live in the moment. We fail to realize that happiness can only EVER be now.
Let me give you an example. You’re driving through the city and your favourite song hits the radio. You’re stuck in traffic, but loving the music – and you start to crazily sing along. You really get into it. You’re in the moment. But then you catch a few jealous faces in nearby cars, and go all shy and timid. Suddenly you’re no longer living in the moment. You’re wondering what they’ll think about you. You’re concerned they’ll disapprove. You freeze up. Your happiness has gone, and your inhibition has arrived. You’re no longer in the moment, in the NOW – you’re stuck thinking about wanting approval from these people, worried what they’ll think of you outside that moment. Right? Try to catch yourself at some random point today – and just check what’s on your mind. If you’re like most people, you’ll be somewhere other than here and now. You’ll be thinking about whether you made a good impression with that guy earlier today. You might be thinking about the holiday you have planned for next September. Or how all of your problems will be solved this time next year. You’ll be anywhere but in the MOMENT. In fact, we each spend 95% of our time in the past or the future. But here’s the thing: Life is transient. The past has gone. The future is just a dream. The only time that truly exists ever is RIGHT NOW. In other words, RIGHT NOW is the ONLY time you can do or change ANYTHING in your life. You are only ever what exists in THIS MOMENT. So, are you HAPPY right now? Are you doing EVERYTHING you’d like to – and feeling THRILLED with life, as you read these words? If you’re not, then make the decision to be happy. NOW. And if you’d like, put down this book, and go fly a kite. Or tell your partner that you love them. Or get your groovy flares on and head out to the nearby disco. NOW is the only time you can change anything. And NOW is the only time you have. So, make that simple decision – to be happy NOW.
Rule #8 – Experience, Don’t Hoard!
“When you're curious, you find lots of interesting things to do.” – Walt Disney
We all dream of fast cars, expensive yachts and magnificent showcase homes.
But do these things really make us happy? Research says – well, yes, actually. Let’s be honest. Anyone that says they’re happy while stone broke is probably lying. Having a little money behind you is always a great idea. Money makes things happen. But even so, studies have shown that the happiness “created” by material goods is only ever temporary. Within a few months, the dog hairs have permanently settled into the back seat of your once-new Mercedes – and annoying neighbours have moved next door to your beach home in Santa Monica. The initial rush these material pleasures once brought soon subsides. So, how do you get a lasting buzz from your money? Well, those same studies showed that investing in experiences rather than material goods created greater lasting happiness. From travelling in the tropics to overnight on the Orient, mini “life adventures” brought with them an immediate thrill – and a lasting memory and experience of the world, which resulted in greater long-term happiness. So, rather than hoarding your cash, or spending it on merely material pleasures – why not indulge in a few mini life adventures of your own? Go on a safari holiday in Africa. Visit the location of your favourite film. Hunt down the Aurora Borealis in Sweden. Take two weeks out and explore your own country. Learn a new language. Visit your local tourist board and follow their recommendations. Get involved in a nearby wine tasting group. Discover ballroom dancing. It doesn’t have to be big and it doesn’t have to be expensive. And you can always do it on your own, too. Even more exciting, set yourself crazy challenges and see what happens. Write a blog, or book, about your experiences. Say “Yes!” to everything for a week and see what happens. Date twenty men over two months. Dine out somewhere new every night for two weeks. Meet five new people every day for a week. Go out with a new group of friends every week for two months. Find five people on the Internet with the same name as you – and try to meet one of them. By living, and truly experiencing life, we feel more whole, fulfilled and authentic. So, experience – don’t hoard – and you will be happy.
Rule #9 – Appreciate Both Sides of the Coin
“You don’t know when you’ve hit a peak until you’re coming down. And you don’t
know when you’ve hit a trough until you’re climbing out. It’s all good” – David Brent
The world is crammed full of “opposites.” In order to have hot, you must have cold. In order to have light, you must also have dark. In order to have up, you must have down. Right? They’re opposites. One can’t really exist without the other. In fact, they’re actually “pairs.” Without each other, neither can exist. It just doesn’t make sense. You can’t have up without down. We all understand that now. But how many times do we try to cram our lives with happiness – and remove every last drop of sadness? The truth is that in order for you to experience true happiness in your life, you must experience sadness. It’s required. Without sadness, we really can’t even understand what happiness is. Yet how many of us struggle and fight against sadness when it comes into our lives? We think that we should ONLY be experiencing the good, the positive, the happy. We MUST be thinking positively at all times. And if we don’t, we blame ourselves for failing. Is this a realistic way to live your life? Are YOU addicted to only experiencing the “good” in life? Are you TRULY embracing the “duality” of your life experiences? Remember, you cannot throw only the heads side of a coin. The tails side always goes with it. In order to have happiness, you must also experience sadness. If you wish, consider it a “credit” toward future happiness. Dolly Parton describes it much more eloquently: “If you want the rainbow, you’ve got to put up with the rain.” In other words, and quite simply: It’s all good. Stop judging individual experiences, and how “good” or “bad” they are. Just enjoy and embrace all your life adventures. And when seemingly negative things happen, remember that it’s just the duality of life. It’s just the other side of the coin. It’s required. It’s part of the equation. So, appreciate the other side of the coin – and you will be happy.
Rule #10 – Be More Social
“Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” - Marcel Proust
It turns out that Michael Caine was right all along. Playing Scrooge in the Muppets Christmas Carol, he sang: “If you want to know the measure of a man, you simply count his friends!” Countless studies on the science of happiness have turned up one single characteristic of the happiest and most successful people in society. They have a large social network! Lots of friends. Lots of colleagues. Lots of people they ca just to banter with for 10 minutes.How many friends are stored in your cell phone? One shortcut to becoming happier – quickly – is to simply make more friends. Be proactive about it. Don’t just wait for interesting people to stumble into your life. Join a local dance group. Discover a book club. Try randomly chatting with strangers in your nearest cafe. Get yourself listed on social networking sites, such as Facebook, MySpace, Bebo, Hi5 – and join the online groups that share your interests. Subscribe to the many friendship- only sites springing up in big cities. Get out there! Making friends isn’t that difficult. You just need to make the effort. Here are some tips. Firstly, make yourself an attractive friend. Don’t begrudge buying a coffee occasionally. Don’t have “attitude.” Don’t spend your time moaning. Nobody likes negativity. Keep a smile on your face – while being yourself. Secondly, make an effort, even when they don’t. Sometimes people are reserved in the early stages of friendship, and need that extra push before a real connection can be established. Be the one to make that move. If it doesn’t work out, it’s their loss. Move on. Throughout it all, however, make sure you play the numbers game. Don’t stop when you have one or two extra friends. Keep going and going. Expand your social circle as far as you can. Be the person that walks through town and bumps into a dozen friends. Remember, the happiest people are those that have the largest social circles. So, be more social – and you will be happy.
Rule #11 –Love More!
“Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They bless the
one who receives them, and they bless you, the giver.” – Barbara De Angelis
American spiritual master Lester Levenson was given just days to live. The doctors had little hope for his failing heart. But, surviving a few days longer than expected, Lester turned to consider what life was all really about. (He zoomed out. Rule #17.) He concluded that life was about happiness, freedom. These were the things he needed to pursue. But what granted him the most freedom and happiness in life? Lester instantly felt that the answer was love. And when his many girlfriends expressed their love for him in public, certainly he felt a wave of happiness. Yet it was fleeting. Momentary. Then he realized that he felt the most happy in life – when he was the one giving the love! The more he loved his girlfriend, the happier he became. The more he loved the world around him, the happier he became. The more he loved even his enemies, the happier he became. And best of all, HE could control the amount of love he gave – and thereby control the amount of happiness he experienced. Think about it for a moment. Doesn’t that ring true for you? Don’t you feel happier when you are loving more? I’m not talking about the clingy, relationship love that most people are well-aware of. But rather an open, giving, warm love. An all-accepting love, like that of a mother for her child, or a child for his puppy. So, can you simply begin to love more? For absolutely no reason at all. Just for fun. Love the whole world more. Love your family for being as maddening as they are. Love the beautiful green trees around you as you take your daily stroll. Love your friends for all of their strengths and weaknesses. Love both sides of the coin. (Rule #10.) Simply, love more. Even your enemies, or that rude guy that insulted you this very morning. Remember, if you’d travel in their footsteps and had their experiences in life right to that very moment, whatever they just did would make perfect sense to you. Accept it, and give them a little love, because they might just need it. Go through everyone you know – and in your own mind, offer them a little love. Keep that open heart as you walk around during your day. Because, as the Beatles suggested, love might just be all you need. So, love more – and you will be happy.
Rule #12 – Have a Dream
“A person starts dying when they stop dreaming” – Brian Williams
Learning how to be happy NOW is a real skill. (Rule #7.) They say he who is not happy with what he has, will not be happy with what he gets. But it’s equally as important to have a dream to lead you forward in life. Everyone who ever did anything started with a dream, a vision, a goal, a thought. Coupled with that distinctly human quality, hope. So, what do YOU dream of? Would you like to explore the ancient castles of England? Would you like to act in a local theatre production? Would you like to write your first novel? Or even your second? Perhaps you dream of helping your son through college. Or owning a second home in Miami. Or starting your own online business. Or having the very best family Christmas ever. Or ... ? Dream are critical. They light up life. Without them, we become bored, and tired, and apathetic. So, take this opportunity to really clarify your dreams. Take a pen and paper and spend an hour figuring out what you really dream about. Create a scrapbook and fill it with magazine pictures. Write your dreams on special paper, and put them in an envelope under your pillow. Scribble them onto scrap paper and burn it at midnight with a yellow candle, if you wish. It doesn’t really matter how you record them, ritual or n ritual. But clarify your dreams, and write them down. They’ll suddenly take on a new importance, and you’ll automatically find yourself heading closer toward them. (See Rule #13. But whatever you do, make sure you have a dream. They’re incredibly important. Dreams are the spark plugs of the spirit. Make sure yours are ready for action. So, have a dream – and you will be happy.
Rule #13 – Intention Sets Direction
“Whether you think you can or you can’t, you’re right.” – Henry Ford
Have you ever set out for a party, expecting it to be terrible – and it was?
Ever left for a party, expecting it to be brilliant – and it was? You might not have realized this in your life yet, however the outcome you expect is often the outcome you get. You wake up on a bright, sunny day, yawn and stretch your way out of a comfortable bed, and decide that you have a wonderful 16 waking hours ahead of you. And you have a great day! The next morning, you wake to grey clouds and heavy rain, stub your toe on the bed, and decide that today is a bad day. And guess what? Strangely, you’re right again. Here’s a simple way of putting this that you may not have thought of before: Your intention sets your direction. In other words, the route you plan out for yourself is most likely the one you’ll end up taking. If you expect something great to happen, it will. If you expect that things will go wrong, they probably will too. Of course, the actual event itself likely won’t change.
However if you anticipate a great party, you’ll automatically filter out the negatives and set yourself in a mood to enjoy to the max. If you’re in doom and gloom mode, you’ll focus on one tiny argument in the background somewhere, and let it spoil your whole evening. It’s entirely relative. Because your intention sets your direction. This is really the principle on which the whole self- development community is current thriving. The Law of Attraction, The Secret, What The Bleep, Cosmic Ordering – even prayer. They’re all describing a convoluted form of this incredibly simple principle. They hype it up. They give it weird names. They surround it with mystical ritual. But the core concept remains the same. Decide on where you’re going and how it’ll be for you – and it’ll happen. There’s a great line in Alice in Wonderland, where the Cheshire Cat advises: “If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will take you there.”
So, the next time you go anywhere, or do anything, set your intention first. Make it clear that you’re going to have a great time, you’ll meet some fantastic people, and that it’s going to be wonderful. Set your general intention every morning and every night, too. The brighter and more positive, the better. Remember to set intention with your dreams, as well. (Rule #12.) It’s simple. Set your sunny intention – and you will be happy.
Rule #14 – Enjoy Simple Pleasures
“Simplicity is the essence of happiness.” - Cedric Bledsoe
Too often, our lives are filled with complex demands and desires.
We get upset because our new Sony Vaio has a deep red fascia rather than the grey-black we preferred. We’re annoyed because our restroom underfloor heating isn’t quite as warm as we’d like – and, come to think of it, those bathroom tiles are a little out-of-date. How often do you find yourself criticizing what exists in your life – rather than appreciating it? And how often do you take time out to truly enjoy the really SIMPLE pleasures in life?
Enjoying simple pleasures is, truly, one of the real secrets to happiness.
It’s an attitude. The ability to appreciate the happiness, the beauty, the pleasure in the simple things around us. The gloriously rich taste of a Sunday roast. The cool
sensation of a spring breeze. That familiar, homely smell of your dog. Sitting around with your family, laughing at some television comedy. Not only that, happiness can also be found in simple routines, too. That daily “thinking space” walk around a nearby river. That warm early morning cup of coffee before the working day begins. The weekly game of chess you play with an elderly neighbour. That sneaky glass of wine while unwinding with your husband. These are the simple pleasures and routines that bring us happiness. Happiness does not have to be complex. For me, happiness can be found on a cold Friday night, wrapped up in my quilt, a re-run of Columbo playing on television, and a warm mug of tea in my hand. To me, that’s true bliss. It gives me a warm, cosy feeling even as I write this. So, what simple pleasures and rituals currently exist in your life? And if you don’t have any, take time out to generate a few for yourself. Soak up the sunset tomorrow evening. Go to church every week, if only for the atmosphere. Cook yourself an experimental, flavour-filled meal. Indulge your senses. Drive to the sea. Remember the simple things that you truly enjoy. Then take time out to experience them again. Or even better, turn them into little daily or weekly rituals, filling your life with sunshine. Quite simply, enjoy simple pleasures and rituals – and you
will be happy.
Rule #15 – Accept What Is
“Happiness is a function of accepting what is.” – Werner Erhard
How many of us fight against what is happening in our lives? In our family? In society? In the world around us? You get fined for parking illegally. We’ve all done it at some point or another. You’ve checked it out, you were wrong, and there’s little you can do about it. Do you just shrug it off, accept what is, and continue happily with your day? Or, more realistically, do you moan about it for the next three days – sharing your woes with everyone you meet? Do you let it put you in a bad mood? Anger you? Taint your day? If you’re like most people, you do the latter. And that’s just a simple example. You might be fighting against your teenage son’s quest for freedom. Or society’s uncomfortable take on your sexuality. Or the way you look. Or, quite simply, you might generally be fighting against the cards life has dealt you. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t take action to change the world around you. With discussion, or protests, or dieting. But does all of that pent-up anger and resentment really serve anything? Rather than fighting it internally, wouldn’t it be much better just to accept what is first – and then change what you want, if you still want to? The world is a rough place. Sometimes things can get pretty crappy. Make no mistake. And when it rains, it pours. And the people that live here? A lot of them are pretty foolish. So, I’m on your side here. You’re right. But it’s pointless holding onto emotions that are holding you back. By not accepting (or welcoming, or embracing, or whatever other word you may prefer) what is, you are pushing against what exists right now. That causes tension, which results in stress, limitation, and lack of clarity. By accepting, welcoming, embracing what is, you clear all of your emotions. Your thoughts gain more clarity. You become happier. You experience more freedom. If you can change things, after accepting them, you’ll have a sharper mind and more energy to do so. If you can’t change things, or if you’re trying to change other people, stop immediately – realise that you simply can’t, and move onto something else. Pointless worrying – there’s nothing you can do about it. Shrug and smile about it, that’s life. Just accept what is – and you will be happy.
Rule #16 – Exercise and Eat Well
“If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.” – J.R.R.Tolkien
This book is crammed with rules for helping you achieve happiness.
Some rules are philosophies, providing you with fresh ways of experiencing the world. Others are techniques, enabling you to deal with the world in a more positive manner. But others – like this one – are really darn practical! You see, research shows that both exercise and “feel good food” can have a DRAMATIC effect on your happiness levels! Firstly, moderate exercise at least three times a week can rocket your serotonin, phenyl ethylamine and endorphin levels. These are the natural “feel good” chemicals that put a smile on your face. Here’s something else: The best kind of exercise you can get to feel happy doesn’t even require a gym membership!
Just walk for around forty minutes a day to enjoy the best happiness boost possible. You’ll not only benefit from serotonin, melatonin and adrenaline increases, you’ll also boost oxygen levels in your brain, thereby increasing focus and short-term memory. Not to mention that after a short while, you’ll begin enjoying a trimmer body, helping to heighten your self-esteem. Secondly, eating the right kind of foods can make you a much happier person. For example, did you know that your Omega 3 (fatty fish oil) levels can seriously affect how happy you are? In Germany, where fish consumption is low owing to geography, depression levels are high. Yet in Japan, with sushi-bars on every street corner, depression is a much rarer condition.
So what are the perfect foods to eat for making you happier? Well, almost ALL types of fish and nut work wonders. You can also try turkey, asparagus, sunflower seeds, cottage cheese, pineapple, tofu spinach, bananas and lobster. These foods are high in tryptophan, an amino acid the body converts into serotonin, bringing about greater states of well being. (For a full breakdown of feel good foods, read Appendix 4.)
For actual full meals designed to boost your happiness, try visiting the Food and Mood project, online at http://www.foodandmood.org – and checking out their Mind Meal options. And don’t forget your daily vitamin and mineral supplements, too – especially Omega 3. Brain supplements, such as Acuity (www.acuitydirect.com) can also help. That’s how you can change your happiness levels – just by changing what you put into your mouth. So, make sure that you eat well and exercise –and you will be happy.
Rule #17 – Zoom Out and Don’t Sweat
“If you do not raise your eyes you will think that you are the highest point.” - Antonio Porchia
Right now, you have a set of priorities running in your life. Number one may be that business deal you’re working on. Number two could be the mortgage you’re really trying to pay off. Number three is that vacation, and whether you’re really going to get on with Aunt Marjorie for two whole weeks. These are your current priorities.
but isn’t it funny how life can sometimes jolt any of us right back down to earth – and remind us all of what really matters in life? Of what our real priorities should be? I’m talking about the perspective we gain after a family member passes away. Or after a near-miss motorcycle accident. Or the moment your first child arrives into the world. We suddenly zoom out and view the world from a million miles above. Petty arguments are no longer worth our attention. The “importance”business seems to disappear immediately. All we often want to do is express our love for those we care about. Life has a habit of reminding us of the important things, whenever we forget. Have YOU forgotten what is really important in your life? Are you sacrificing your family time to clear that never- ending pile of paperwork? Do you spend days moaning about the negative, getting angered by the smallest of comments? Did you last hold yourself back from telling your partner how you felt – because you were embarrassed? Here’s the simple truth: You might be dead one hour from now. You never, ever know what is around the corner. So, try regularly “zooming out” of your current picture, and realizing the true priorities in your life. If you can, do it every day - particularly when you return home from work. Then kick back your shoes, and enjoy some quality time with family and friends. Life is short. As GoDaddy.com CEO Bob Parsons says, we’re not here for a long time, we’re here for a good time. So, zoom out regularly, don’t sweat the small stuff – and you will be happy.
Rule #18 – Laugh, Dance, Smile!
“A friendly look, a kindly smile, one good act, and life's worthwhile.” - Unknown
You know, it’s funny...
The other week, I decided to attend a local Buddhist class. They were holding a discussion on the nature of happiness. The “enlightened one” entered center stage, a gentle, snail- paced walk to match his speech, and talked about what made us happy. This went on for a period of two hours, with many questions from the small audience. But here’s the thing. The teacher never smiled or laughed once the whole time. Not only that, neither did the audience! Enlightenment? I don’t think so. Boring is perhaps more apt. True happiness, self-development, freedom, comes from inside - and is expressed externally in bright faces, a big smile, and plenty of laughing. Just look at the Dalai Lama. Once you’ve applied the rules in this book, you’ll automatically find yourself being a happier, jollier person –
naturally! But why not give it all a little helping hand?
This rule is a reminder that you should surround yourself with happiness – and just watch it rub off on you! How? Get dancing, for a start! Studies show dancing to be the absolute BEST way to immediately rocket your happiness. It boosts serotonin levels, promotes good health and weight loss, and allows you to indulge in essential human and body contact. But it doesn’t stop there. Why not also...
Keep feel-great music CDs in your car. Cover the walls of your home with uplifting pictures. Watch more comedy movies. Listen to positive tunes on your iPod while working. Indulge in The Simpsons or Family Guy, and laugh at life itself. Heck, when it comes to that, give yourself a pat on the back for being the big, crazy screw-up that you are! Laugh at all of the silly problems you’ve been holding on to, so very well, for so long. Laugh that you’re even mad enough to read a book like this. Laugh that you’re alive, and that so many opportunities are open to you – right now. That’s why I think the Dalai Lama laughs so much. He’s realised the crazy, wonderful, ridiculous nature of life – and that the real meaning of us being here, if there is a meaning, is to be happy. So, right now – laugh, dance, smile – and you will be happy.
Appendix 1 – A Short
Course in Releasing
Releasing is a fantastic tool for unleashing freedom in your life! It allows you to let go of sadness and limitation, and embrace freedom and happiness. It enables you to drop negative emotion and increase positive emotion. Releasing allows you to control your feelings, rather than letting your feelings control you. In fact, I’d consider releasing to be perhaps the most important self-development technique on the planet. Sound interesting? Well, let’s start from the beginning. Emotions are how we feel. We feel grief after the death of a family member. We feel anger when somebody rubs us up the wrong way. We feel pride when we do a great job. Emotions are useful, and help make us human. But sometimes emotions hold us back. They cause us to freeze in fear when about to deliver our speech. They cause us to continue being angry toward someone we should've forgiven long ago. They cause us to carry on being addicted to gambling, or bad relationships. Yes, emotions have a lot to answer for! But the good thing is that you can control your emotions just as simply as you’d control a light switch. Turning them off is as simple as
You are not your emotions. That’s right. You are not your emotions. And your emotions are not you. Emotions are just things that you experience. Rather than “I am angry,” a more accurate description might be “I am experiencing anger.” And rather than “I am courageous,” a more lucid version may be “I am feeling courageous.” So, emotions are just things you experience. Sometimes they feel good, sometimes they run riot. And you can switch them off as easily as you’d switch off a plug socket. How? Through the process of releasing. Now, releasing is all about letting go of your negative emotions. When you let go of negative emotions, you’ll feel lighter and more stress-free. You’ll enjoy greater freedom and feel more at peace with the world. Releasing is always a great idea. (You can let go of positive emotions too, and you’ll typically feel even more positive as a result.)
How can you release? Firstly, you need to recognize that we’re each desperately
holding onto our emotions – even those emotions that aren’t serving us. We’re clenching them, like we’d clench our hands around a pencil or a small ball. We’re holding on to that fear, that grief, that apathy – because we somehow think that it is us, and that we need it. But when we realize that we are not our emotions, and that we don’t need it, we can simply choose to let it go. That is, we can unclench our fist – and allow that emotion to simply be free, or even drop out of our hands altogether. Let’s try it together. Think of something right now that you know is a concern for you. It might be a situation at work, or a particular person you dislike, or just some general worry that you have. Make it a simple issue for now, just for starters. Think of that thing, and notice the resistance that builds up in your stomach. Then simply ask yourself the question: “Can I let this go?” Which is another way of saying: Can you unclench the grip you have around this feeling right now? Can you release the grip? Can you let go of the resistance? Can you just drop the emotion attached to this issue? As you ask yourself “Can I let this go?” – breathe out, and answer honestly with “Yes” or “No” out loud. It doesn’t matter which you answer with, it’ll all provide you with an emotional release on some level. While exhaling, feel the release happening. Feel yourself unclenching that grip. Feel yourself just letting go of that emotion. Notice the difference? Remember, we are the ones that are holding on to our emotions. We are the ones that are causing them to continue living inside our minds. Would you prefer to hold on to your negative emotions even more, allowing them to bubble away inside your mind – or would you prefer to just let them go? Remember, by letting go, we’re not agreeing with it, or letting somebody off the hook. We’re simply releasing the emotion attached to it. We’re granting ourselves greater peace and serenity. Then, when you’re ready, connect to see whether that issue still has any charge. If it does, repeat the process once more: connect with the issue, ask yourself “Can I let this go?”, answer “Yes” or “No” while breathing out, and feel the release. Loop on this entire process a few more times. You’ll soon begin to really feel very different about the whole issue. Within minutes, you’ll notice the emotion has drastically reduced in size – and may just have disappeared altogether. Right? Finished? How did that feel? Let’s try it once more. This time, make sure you follow through the entire process. Out loud, too, if you can. Again, think of a situation which brings up some resistance in your tummy. It might be an annoying person, or a small worry that you have right now. Get in touch with that sensation, that energy, that feeling. Then ask yourself: “Can I let this go?”
Answer the question out loud, with a “Yes” or “No,” while breathing out. Remember, any answer is fine, they both work the same magic. Just be honest.
As you answer, loosen your clutch on the emotion. Relax into the comfort. Release.
Feel yourself unclenching. Feel yourself letting go. Releasing feels great. It’s like the feeling you get when the doctors call you, after those worrying tests – and say you’ve got the all clear. It’s total relief. That’s releasing. To help you feel the release even further, imagine two doors in front of your stomach opening, allowing all of the negative emotion just to flow out – as you let go. Really feel it happening. Great! Finished? Now check how you feel. If there’s still any emotional charge left, no worries. That’s fine! Repeat the process until you feel better about the issue, or want to finish. If you don’t feel any progress at all, don’t worry either. Just let go of trying to get results. Sometimes you’re too busy “watching” to really experience. And if you answer “No” during the process and don’t feel yourself able to let go, don't worry about that either. Every step, no matter how redundant it may feel, helps take you closer to emotional freedom. Just release on it and move on. And that’s it, really. Releasing is the quickest and easiest method for letting go of troublesome emotions. It’s the hidden process behind almost every therapy out there– from psychotherapy to tribal drum therapy. Except here we’re just releasing the emotions directly, rather than fluffing up the process. There’s no need to spend years sitting on a couch, going into your “back story” and analyzing precisely why things happened that way. Here, we just release – and move on. It really is as simple as that.
Just connect with the emotion and ask yourself: “Can I let this
go?” – then breathe out, answer “Yes” or “No,” and feel
yourself letting go. Easy! Further Releasing Methods There are other ways of releasing, too – all based on the same core “letting go” principle.
One of the most popular is the three questions method. This was popularized by the late Lester Levenson, and is now taught in the Abundance Course
(www.releasetechnique.com) and The Sedona Method (www.sedona.com). This technique is based on the following premises:
1. We don’t know that we can let emotions go
2. We don’t want to let go of emotions
3. We always put off letting go until later So, this method of releasing works by addressing each of these questions – allowing us to cycle through, and slowly let go of the emotions that are holding us back.
Here are the steps:
1. Think of the situation, and connect with the emotion you’d like to release.
2. Ask yourself: “Could I let this go?” (yes/no - answer out loud, honestly)
3. Move on to ask: “Would I let this go?” (again, yes/no)
4. And then: “When?” (now/later)
5. Feel that release – then check to see how the situation feels. If there’s still some emotional charge, go back to step one and loop again: you’ll find some issues are layered like onions, and are released over multiple passes. Or if you feel stuck in the actual process itself, let go of wanting to feel stuck, and start again – or rest for a while. Another popular releasing method is the welcoming technique, popularized by many releasing teachers, including Chris Payne with his Effort-Free Life System (www.effortfree.com).
Here are the steps to follow for this technique:
1. Lower your head and place your hand on your chest or
stomach. Get in touch with an emotion, or a situation
that has an emotional charge for you.
2. Notice the intensity of the feeling in your body, and rate
the intensity from 0 to 10.
3. Welcome the emotion, much as you’d welcome a friend into your home. Welcoming doesn’t mean you agree or forgive the emotion, just embrace it, accept it, welcome it. Allow it to be there, instead of pretending it doesn’t exist. Feel the welcoming.
4. Now get in touch with the emotion again. How does it feel?
5. Rate the intensity again, from 0 to 10. Keep going until it comes down to 0. If you feel stuck, ask yourself if you could let go of trying to change being stuck – or simply continue later. Releasing teacher Lester Levenson (whose work is now
continued through The Abundance Course and The Sedona Method) also used to suggest that individuals try letting go of wanting control, approval and security too. These are general terms that can help you release on emotions right across the board. You know, releasing is about letting go of emotions. It’s about detachment. It’s what the Eastern world calls letting go of our attachments and aversions. In the Western world, this releasing process is essentially the equivalent of saying:
“F**k it!”
(A wonderful argument set forth by John C. Parkin in his book of the same name.) Try each of these techniques yourself, and start using whichever suits you best. But remember to try them. Releasing isn’t just for reading about. It’s experiential.
Conclusion Releasing is a powerful method for gaining greater emotional freedom. It helps you realise that you are not your emotions – and thereby allows you to release all of the limiting thoughts, emotions and feelings that have held you back in the past. You’ll become happier, enjoy more self-empowerment, and simply be more free when you discover releasing for yourself. Take time out to go through all of your issues, negative emotions, and the people in your life – releasing on each in turn. You’ll feel the benefits immediately. Just keep asking yourself “Can I let this go?” Practice it as often as you can – and do it all the time. Even when you’re talking to somebody, you can release there and then, in that moment. It’s simple and it’s easy. To learn more about releasing, I’d suggest one of the following books:
• The Sedona Method – by Hale Dwoskin –
http://www.sedona.com
• The Abundance Course – by Larry Crane -
http://www.releasetechnique.com
• The Secret of Letting Go – by Guy Finley –
http://www.guyfinley.com
• Effort-Free Life System – by Chris Payne –
http://www.effortfree.com
• F**k It – by John C. Parkin – http://www.thefuckitway.com
Discover releasing for yourself, embrace it in your daily life – and I promise you’ll never look back.
Even if that releasing is as simple as saying “F**k it!” just a little more often.
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