When Did I...

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"They all run full-fledged into failure but they do it so wholeheartedly.

When did I stop running wholeheartedly into what I desired?"

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I remembered vividly as a child sitting on the dirty curb beside a street vender eating a Candied Fruit Stick (it’s all covered with a delicious red candied topping) and watching the crowd without a worry in the world; A minute ago, I was holding my dad's hand entering Taiwan's version of Playland and the next thing I know, I was lost in the crowd. I did not know fear then; I was so sure that my parents would come back and find me or I would just discover my way back to our car (my dad apparently freaked out tho and burst into tears; this incident scarred him for life. That's what I tell myself when he constantly checks in). Now, if the history were to reinvent itself, I would very likely pace around like a madwoman. I would not be calm. I would not be able to find simple pleasure like the little candied fruit stick. I would not have the patience to see the world goes by. As an 8-year-old child, I did so much better than the 3- year old woman I am now. A wise man once said: 'The two most significant events in our lives are the first and the last. When we are born, we take our first gasping breath of air, a noisy inhalation that immediately turns the body pink. At the end of our life, we ride out our last breath, and die on the exhalation." Don't waste your breath. So now, run wholeheartedly into what you desire. (pretty please?)

FREE HUGS in Vancouver!

I GOT 2!  I am not greedy but I really really needed them.

Sometimes, a hug is all what we need.

HUGS made my day. They are just what I needed: not sunshine, vitamin B12 complex nor Salsa.

PLEASE  COME GET YOUR FREE HUGS!

ps. I have applied a filter to rotate my video already. It opened up right side up on my new Macbook using QuickTime Pro. I apologize if you have to TILT your head side ways to view my video. if you have trouble viewing, please view it from HERE.

Salsa in Vancouver!

 
YUP, I  SALSA.

Once a week lesson for couple of months now, I have since moved up to intermediate 1.

Roger is my instructor whom I repeatedly refuse when he asks me to dance. I always lose; the next scene would be him picking me up and placing me in the middle of the dance floor. (Of course, I would bust my moves after that)

It has been a busy past week for me: I have made a point to want to get more practice so I attended some of the events offered by the Vancouver Salsa Scene. (Believe it or not, there is an event every day of the week in Vancouver)

1. Salsa At The Forum WEDNESDAYS /August 11th, 2010/1163 Granville St./

After a massive opening nght of housing 300 guests the week before, I arrived at the Forum catching the last few minutes of the complementary lesson by Roger and his gang. Without a habit of drinking when salsa-ing (hmmmmm, the obvious reasons of not wanting to create an unconventional scented perfume and my not so-sure-surefooted moves), mojitos, the classic refreshing summer drink in HUGE jam glass jar did catch my attention (temptation, I resist).

Letting her voice roll with a sultry rough edge, an exotic lady whose name I didn't manage to catch was performing live. Added Bonus.



2. Salsa Duello DOES THE 70s/August 14th, 2010/412 West Hastings St/

Since it is a themed event, my belief has always been: if you got it, flaunt it; if you don't think you do, at least try it with moderation. With jumpsuit making its comeback, I cheated by wearing one of my newly acquired jumpsuit pieces by 'Twice Shy, Organic wear with an attitude. It is made out of a jersey cotton material with the cutest peephole back and strappy shoulder design. I love it! almost like a sporty yoga wear with a twist, perfect for salsa with wide leg swaying when I move.

But, I digress.

Brave of me, I usually go to these types of events alone (anyone? want to join?). I did have a few run-ins of questionable behaviuor but it has not dampened my enthusiasm. It has just lessened my guilt of saying NO to 'do you want to dance?'

3. Dancing in the street/August 15th, 2010/Granville Street between Robson and Georgia/

I had missed the previous 'Dancing in the street' on July 18th and 25th so I made sure I marked my calendar, set my alarm and there I was without fail in the hottest day of Vancouver Summer on Granville Street between Robson and Georgia where it is closed to traffic. (you really did not have to move, trust me, I was dripping just standing there) At 2pm with sun blazing from a cloudless sky, there was a FREE intro salsa lesson offered by Roger in his usual tight tight TIGHT shirt. FUN.

I am in need of...

a life-GPS.  I missed having that smooth utters of 'recalculating' whenever I detour.



I seemed to have misplaced my inner voice. I could have sworn that by 30, everything would fall into places for me but they didn't. And instead, I had the biggest 30 minutes (one minute for every year of my life, coincidence, I think not) phenomenon melt-down in front of my parents the day before my birthday.

In my mid-twenties, I was really enjoying becoming my own person, looking forward to the journey, exploration and maturity. I used to have this 'I am fresh, alive and out of control. I can not wait to take over.' attitude about life. Now I read articles like this, advising me to get married and have kids before thirty. Instead of shrugs and chuckles, now I would experience that little unknown panic: am I really running out of time? Better yet, where has my inner strength gone?

Plus, it is kind of impossible now to meet that plan. Does that mean by some standard, I have somehow screwed up royally ? Or I really should learn how to understand the gifts from the universe better, appreciating the upside of events.

When planning, you need to have a strong concept but being flexible is key. There will be a lot challenges and curve balls that restrict you. Much like the game of life, I guess I just need to:

1) Focus on the now.

2) Like plans, love change.

3) Take risks.

4) Repeat.

easier said than done? "you  can’t plan love. And you can’t plan for your career any better"

you seem to attract a lot of weirdos

That seemed to be the common comment after sharing some of my stories: this, this and that (still writing this one). Or, I get: you also seem to reject a lot of guys, maybe you are being too picky! (scream. I need an upgrade on wordpress to give you a sound, a real life experience. Soon, I promise!) Maybe, that's why I blog.



I wish my modern life is drama queen and frenemy free.

I don't mean to. (I really hate it when I have to apologize for the way I am but I have learned that it is come with being a grown-up)

I do not considered myself to be a hottie (don't get me wrong, I have a healthy and humble self-esteem) But, lately I wish I were born male: all I have to worry about in the morning is whether to go with light blue or dark blue dress shirt with dark denim or dark khaki and brown or black belt and shoes. And, I do not have to (I should but not forced) care about the challenges (12 in this case) that women face in any generation. I do not have to walk that narrow line, in that box, category, stereotype...etc the list can go on.

I particularly have hard time dealing with my blushing syndrome and maybe at times, it just sends out the wrong message in my professional or well, any life circumstances. Maybe I should never touch my hair or be within anyone's personal comfort zone or any body language clues that people are writing about.

Also the whole: should I give out my number to this person (none gender specific) always seem to concern me.  I am trying so hard to have an open mind; cultivate and expand my withering social circle but a lot of times, I am the receiving end of text/call terrorism. Now as a decoy, I can try to direct them to facebook/twitter so they can add/remove, follow/unfollow me as a friend whenever their ADD decides to kick in.

um...Live and learn?

sorry! my heart is closed for the time being

inspiration: working it out vs tossing it out

It has been more than 8 months since my last relationship.

After sending my closure mail to him expressing my disappointment and gratitude, I made sure I only focus on myself and myself only. I was nurturing my wound in the way I know how, shutting all contacts from him. I was slowing piecing my life together. It is not much of a struggle anymore however, his recent missed call did set me back a few steps in my attempt to evolve and untangle life.

There are guys that expressed interests after the knowledge of my breakup. I have always believed that time alone after an intense relationship is much required. It is almost the foundation to the next potential one. I do not want to explore ahead; all I wanted to do is time for myself, figuring what I want, who I want and how I want to move forward.

In the midst of moving forward, I have encountered this:

Out of blue, one of my old colleagues confessed on msn that he had a soft spot for me and I remained one of his beautiful possibilities. As flattering as it is, I did not interrupt him because I thought he was just going through a stage and wanting to unburden so he is able to move forward, much like what I am doing. (never assume people, never assume)

we hardly talk if we do, it’s mostly professional/work stuff since he had been a great reference. Much to my surprise, it did not just end there. We met up for tea to catch up and it is probably the third time in 4 years since we saw each other. In my mind, I thought it is only the professional thing to do because I am going after a job that requires references. During tea, he interrupted the flow of our conversation and asked how I feel about what his confession.

My reply was: nothing!

I could sense his shock so I went on to explain that I assumed he just wanted to let it out without any expectation. He was surprised that I said I felt nothing since he thought there was definitely some chemistry and how he is almost never wrong about this. (well) He even went on to describe some proof and his perception of how things were. I explained to him that I have no desire in participating in this. I can not and I will not:

He is a person that I trusted professionally. I felt betrayed. Unbeknownst to me, he has a different story built up in his head, choosing to believe that I was reciprocating. I was not serving him any extra attention or giving him the wrong impression. We never spent anytime outside of work when I was at that company. I was particularly unimpressed by one of his comments: ‘I would like to have someone who is passionate, curious, and ambitious about life and I see that all in you. I know after what you told me I should feel sh*tty but I do not. I still feel hopeful because whoever I want, it would always work out’ (WOW! good for him for being so confident but really?!)

He is involved with someone else. Seriously! I really do not have respect for people that are looking and exploring ahead while providing someone else with a false sense of security. I was enraged when I expressed my view on his behaviour. It is cowardly. I do not buy his reasoning nor do I understand his action. I know I should not judge because he is much closer to the matter than I am. All I can do is to exit gracefully from his pathetic attempt to include me in this drama.

I am upset with how vulnerable people are and how fragile a relationship is. Nothing lasts.

I guess the worst would be where he is trapped himself in: the forever limbo.

Blessed!

For the past week, I have made great strides in turns of job hunt front. Even though I do not have final good news to share yet, I have got a great feelings about this potential new opportunity. A recruiter sought me out and after speaking to her, it led to HR recruiter interview then a face to face with the hiring manager. I have my fingers, toes and even my eyes crossed for this. It moved rather quickly and I LOVE that because all job seekers can all agree that waiting is the toughest part.

I feel blessed! I have my great friends and family cheering me on. I am reassured when I am second guessing. I am encouraged when I am agonizing over ..well life itself but I know the only way to go is up :)

also, I am inspired by this: Simple Living

really, keep it simple