There has got to be a genetic fear embedded in my subconscious: the fear of loss. It may stem from my culture, upbringing, or other unknown factor. This fear compels me to take action in a disoriented state. Between you and me, it has caused more mistakes and bigger mistakes. The harder I tried to hold tight, the faster I lose the things I come to love.
In the past few months, I have locked myself away in a dark place where I obsessed and over analyzed why things turned out the way they were. The more I obsessed, the quicker events manifested in a more freakish trend. I came to an understanding that I needed to stop resistance to things in life that I had no control over. This epiphany did not come naturally, it only arrived after having my heart shattered.
For once, as long as I could remember, I have been content with my life: a love that has been blossoming and a career opening up doors. I was happy with the way things were developing. In a blink of my eyes, life has come to test me, wanting to see if I was serious about what I had asked for. Just when my whole world has been turned upside down, inside out, I was able to reflect and decide what kind of woman that I want to be and make dramatic change.
I learned that it was the chase to own that I have become weary of. It was the very act that made me realize that only I have the key to release myself from that painful place, learning the peaceful surrender comes with acceptance and letting go, something I should have done ages ago. Simply by changing myself, I can then alter events. I am still looking for that silver lining and waiting for the eventual gratitude of this series of unfortunate events. I could only be surprised, shocked, panic, sad or I could be calm in an overjoyed manner.
"You have to live Spherically, in many directions. Never loose your childish enthusiasm and things will come your way."
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