A Short Course in Releasing

Releasing is a fantastic tool for unleashing freedom in your life! It allows you to let go of sadness and limitation, and embrace freedom and happiness. It enables you to drop negative emotion and increase positive emotion. Releasing allows you to control your feelings, rather than letting your feelings control you. In fact, I’d consider releasing to be perhaps the most important self-development technique on the planet. Sound interesting? Well, let’s start from the beginning. Emotions are how we feel.
We feel grief after the death of a family member. We feel anger when somebody rubs us up the wrong way. We feel pride when we do a great job. Emotions are useful, and help make us human. But sometimes emotions hold us back. They cause us to freeze in fear when about to deliver our speech. They cause us to continue being angry toward someone we should’ve forgiven long ago. They cause us to carry on being addicted to gambling, or bad relationships. Yes, emotions have a lot to answer for! But the good thing is that you can control your emotions just as simply as you’d control a light switch. Turning them off is as simple as . You see, the secret you must realise is this:
You are not your emotions. That’s right. You are not your emotions. And your emotions
are not you. Emotions are just things that you experience. Rather than “I am angry,” a more accurate description might be “I am experiencing anger.” And rather than “I am courageous,” a more lucid version may be “I am feeling courageous.” So, emotions are just things you experience. Sometimes they feel good, sometimes they run riot. And you can switch them off as easily as you’d switch off a plug socket.
How? Through the process of releasing. Now, releasing is all about letting go of your negative emotions. When you let go of negative emotions, you’ll feel
lighter and more stress-free. You’ll enjoy greater freedom and feel more at peace with the world. Releasing is always a great idea. (You can let go of positive emotions too, and you’ll typically feel even more positive as a result.)
How can you release? Firstly, you need to recognize that we’re each desperately
holding onto our emotions – even those emotions that aren’t serving us. We’re clenching them, like we’d clench our hands around a pencil or a small ball. We’re holding on to that fear, that grief, that apathy – because we somehow think that it is us, and that we need it. But when we realise that we are not our emotions, and that
we don’t need it, we can simply choose to let it go. That is, we can unclench our fist – and allow that emotion to simply be free, or even drop out of our hands altogether. Let’s try it together. Think of something right now that you know is a concern for
you. It might be a situation at work, or a particular person you dislike, or just some general worry that you have. Make it a simple issue for now, just for starters.
Think of that thing, and notice the resistance that builds up in your stomach.
Then simply ask yourself the question: “Can I let this go?” Which is another way of saying: Can you unclench the grip you have around this feeling right now? Can you release the grip? Can you let go of the resistance? Can you just drop the
emotion attached to this issue? As you ask yourself “Can I let this go?” – breathe out, and answer honestly with “Yes” or “No” out loud. It doesn’t matter which you answer with, it’ll all provide you with an emotional release on some level. While exhaling, feel the release happening. Feel yourself unclenching that grip. Feel yourself just letting go of that emotion. Notice the difference? Remember, we are the ones that are holding on to our emotions. We are the ones that are causing them to continue living inside our minds. Would you prefer to hold on to your negative emotions even more, allowing them to bubble away inside your mind – or would you prefer to just let them go? Remember, by letting go, we’re not agreeing with it, or letting somebody off the hook. We’re simply releasing the emotion attached to it. We’re granting ourselves greater peace and serenity. Then, when you’re ready, connect to see whether that issuestill has any charge. If it does, repeat the process once more: connect with the issue, ask yourself “Can I let this go?”, answer “Yes” or “No” while breathing out, and feel the release. Loop on this entire process a few more times. You’ll soon begin to really feel very different about the whole issue. Within minutes, you’ll notice the emotion has drastically reduced in size – and may just have disappeared altogether. Right? Finished? How did that feel? Let’s try it once more. This time, make sure you follow through the entire process. Out loud, too, if you can. Again, think of a situation which brings up some resistance in your tummy. It might be an annoying person, or a small worry that you have right now. Get in touch with that sensation, that energy, that feeling. Then ask yourself: “Can I let this go?”
Answer the question out loud, with a “Yes” or “No,” while breathing out. Remember, any answer is fine, they both work the same magic. Just be honest.
As you answer, loosen your clutch on the emotion. Relax into the comfort. Release.
Feel yourself unclenching. Feel yourself letting go. Releasing feels great. It’s like the feeling you get when the doctors call you, after those worrying tests – and say you’ve got the all clear. It’s total relief. That’s releasing. To help you feel the release even further, imagine two doors in front of your stomach opening, allowing all of the negative emotion just to flow out – as you let go. Really feel it happening. Great! Finished? Now check how you feel. If there’s still any emotional charge left, no worries. That’s fine! Repeat the process until you feel better about the issue,
or want to finish. If you don’t feel any progress at all, don’t worry either. Just let go of trying to get results. Sometimes you’re too busy “watching” to really experience.
And if you answer “No” during the process and don’t feel yourself able to let go, don’tworry about that either. Every step, no matter how redundant it may feel, helps take you closer to emotional freedom. Just release on it and move on.
And that’s it, really. Releasing is the quickest and easiest method for letting go of
troublesome emotions. It’s the hidden process behind almost every therapy out there
– from psychotherapy to tribal drum therapy. Except here we’re just releasing the emotions directly, rather than fluffing up the process.
There’s no need to spend years sitting on a couch, going into your “back story” and analyzing precisely why things happened that way. Here, we just release – and move on.
It really is as simple as that.

Just connect with the emotion and ask yourself: “Can I let this
go?” – then breathe out, answer “Yes” or “No,” and feel
yourself letting go. Easy! Further Releasing Methods There are other ways of releasing, too – all based on the same core “letting go” principle.
One of the most popular is the three questions method. This was popularized by the late Lester Levenson, and is now taught in the Abundance Course
(www.releasetechnique.com) and The Sedona Method (www.sedona.com). This technique is based on the following premises:

1. We don’t know that we can let emotions go
2. We don’t want to let go of emotions
3. We always put off letting go until later
So, this method of releasing works by addressing each of
these questions – allowing us to cycle through, and slowly let go of the emotions that are holding us back.

Here are the steps:
1. Think of the situation, and connect with the emotion
you’d like to release.
2. Ask yourself: “Could I let this go?” (yes/no - answer out
loud, honestly)
3. Move on to ask: “Would I let this go?” (again, yes/no)
4. And then: “When?” (now/later)
5. Feel that release – then check to see how the situation feels. If there’s still some emotional charge, go back to step one and loop again: you’ll find some issues are
layered like onions, and are released over multiple passes. Or if you feel stuck in the actual process itself, let go of wanting to feel stuck, and start again – or rest for a while.

Another popular releasing method is the welcoming
technique, popularized by many releasing teachers,
including Chris Payne with his Effort-Free Life System
(www.effortfree.com).

Here are the steps to follow for this technique:
1. Lower your head and place your hand on your chest or
stomach. Get in touch with an emotion, or a situation
that has an emotional charge for you.
2. Notice the intensity of the feeling in your body, and rate
the intensity from 0 to 10.
3. Welcome the emotion, much as you’d welcome a friend
into your home. Welcoming doesn’t mean you agree or
forgive the emotion, just embrace it, accept it, welcome it.
Allow it to be there, instead of pretending it doesn’t exist.
Feel the welcoming.
4. Now get in touch with the emotion again. How does it feel?
5. Rate the intensity again, from 0 to 10. Keep going until it comes down to 0. If you feel stuck, ask yourself if you could let go of trying to change being stuck – or simply continue later. Releasing teacher Lester Levenson (whose work is now continued through The Abundance Course and The Sedona Method) also used to suggest that individuals try letting go of wanting control, approval and security too. These are general terms that can help you release on emotions right across the board. You know, releasing is about letting go of emotions. It’s about detachment. It’s what the Eastern world calls letting go of our attachments and aversions.
In the Western world, this releasing process is essentially the equivalent of saying:
“F**k it!”
(A wonderful argument set forth by John C. Parkin in his book of the same name.) Try each of these techniques yourself, and start using whichever suits you best. But remember to try them. Releasing isn’t just for reading about. It’s experiential.
Conclusion Releasing is a powerful method for gaining greater emotional freedom. It helps you realise that you are not your emotions – and thereby allows you to release all of the limiting thoughts, emotions and feelings that have held you back in the past. You’ll become happier, enjoy more self-empowerment, and simply be more free when you discover releasing for yourself.
Take time out to go through all of your issues, negative emotions, and the people in your life – releasing on each in turn. You’ll feel the benefits immediately. Just keep asking yourself “Can I let this go?” Practice it as often as you can – and do it all the time. Even when you’re talking to somebody, you can release there and then, in that moment. It’s simple and it’s easy.

Day 29: A World of New Encounters

from how to heal a broken heart in 30 days

You are finally learning to define yourself as just who you are, not as mate who is tied to another. when you can take joy in that fact, your future opportunists will of course become greater. As you heal and begin to look around once again, here's a checklist to help afford you some guidance. give all of these ideas time to take hold:

1. how do you feel? people can read a lack of self-confidence in your eyes. here's cruel fact: it's a turnoff. don't amble among strangers until you're easily able to step out with a smile and keep your head held high. if you project a sense of vulnerability, you may attract a rescuer. that someone may give you emotional support in exchange for your love. but beware, basing your dealings on this kind of dependency may stunt your emotional evolution.

2. how do you look? do you look your best? have you let yourself go? do you need to get back in shape or restyle your hair?

3. where do you look? how do you meet people? what kind of places make you feel comfortable about talking to strangers? do you have a list of places you can go with friends? do you use a dating services?

4. how are your social skills? were you once a good flirt? are you still? can you laugh easily and make other people laugh with you? do you see yourself as someone who you'd want to spend time with? or are you showing even the least little bit of desperation?

5. practice making new friends and acquaintances every day of the week. the best loves are often born of genuine friendships.

6.when you want to develop any relationships in depth, seek to meet your own emotional need first rather than satisfying the expressed expectation of others.

7. don't be a 'pleasure pig' stay away from high speed fantasy flings. don't simply seek the visceral thrill of making a conquest. if you keep falling and flailing your way into and out of what you may somehow call love, you'll end up running in circles rather than growing. recognize where your true satisfaction comes from and work patiently towards that end.

8. before you even consider falling in love with anyone again at some time in the future, get a sense of where they may take you. seek out their hearts and the beauty within them before you seek to do anything else.

9. look for love in a lot of new places and ways. perhaps the reason you've got a track record for hunting is that you've made the same mistakes with each new relationship. and just because someone responds to your overtures doesn't mean that they will be suitable for you. romance may be magic but its spells are by no means easy to master.

10. don't make any new lover pay for your old traumas. don't look for new love to cure your old ills. that's your job, not theirs.

11. learn how to cut your losses more quickly. keep your emotional bags packed and parked by the door, until you're absolutely sure this one's for you. if you do not have a good feeling about someone, move on quickly but as graciously as possible. otherwise, you'll pay the price of dealing with more pain.

12. don't show off the scars from you past relationships. new prospects may only conclude you're a professional victims and head for the hills.

13. take stock of who you are privately, when you're relaxed with your guard down. that's the real you, the person you should project when you are ready to openly pursue a compatible mate.

14. give people a chance, but don't ignore your instincts. be a good interior detective, especially regarding your own needs. acknowledge it early if there are ultimately going to be irreconcilable difference. even if the love seems strong at the time, these unresolved issues will eventually undermine that foundation.

go ahead. mix with the world. even if you're far from ready to fall back in love, just find new interactions that you genuinely enjoy.

take small, safe steps of a child if you must, in order to get yourself back out there again. meet new people by mixing in familiar groups and in casual circumstances at first. the small positive social steps you take can pay off in friendships almost immediately. you may someday choose to take romantic chances again, but only after getting your feet back on the ground. that's when you'll be able to make wiser choices.

the form your future happiness takes is completely up to you. you are the artist that will colour the rest of your life. give yourself the freedom you need to find your own beauty.

-- love, loss, injury and recovery are some of the most powerful teaching tools given to us by life's designers. embrace their cycle: renew your own meanings. now's the time to relieve your heart of the weight of your loss so you may once again rise to the healing powers of love. it surrounds you always.

The Three Stages of Intimacy

Adapted from Intimate Communion By David Deida.

How do you respond to the extreme expressions of Masculine and Feminine energy? Your response to the exaggerated play of sexual polarity can give you a clue to the stage of relationship for which you are most ready.

Imagine you happen to discover a videotape beneath a tree while taking a walk through the woods. Curious about it, you bring it home and pop it into your VCR. There on the screen are a naked man and woman having sex beneath the very tree under which you found the videotape. You feel strange about watching it. The woman makes a high-pitched screaming sound. The man pulls back her head by her hair, exposing her neck which he licks and kisses. The woman seems to be struggling--or is she writhing in ecstasy? Just then, your child walks into the room so you quickly turn off the TV and remove the videotape.

You think about what you have just witnessed for the rest of the day. Were you watching a videotaped rape, or a passionate couple at the peak of sexual rapture? That night, as you are lying in bed trying to sleep, images of the videotaped sex scene dance through your head.

Part of you may want to make love in such an abandoned and passionate fashion. Another part of you may be queasy, wondering if the "passion" was actually forced against the woman's will. Or was it just the couple's ravishing sexual play with one another? You decide to watch the rest of the tape in the morning and then either show it to your intimate partner in the hopes that it will evoke deeply passionate lovemaking between you, or show it to the police so they can get started on the case.

You wake up in the morning and as soon as you are alone in the house, you pop the videotape back into the VCR and turn on the TV.

The woman seems to be resisting, but it's hard to tell. Suddenly her back arches and a long moan slides from her throat. She begins to claw the man's back, her fingernails digging deeply into his skin and muscles, dragging and scratching their way down to his buttocks. He kisses her neck, her breasts, and her nipples, at first gently nipping and then biting. The videotape ends.

How you respond to this videotape depends on which stage of intimacy you are ready for.

THE THREE STYLES OF INTIMACY

By understanding your current style of intimate relationship, you can understand the next step you need to take. Which of the three styles is most like your current, or recent, relationship: Dependence, 50/50, or Intimate Communion? Each of these three styles is also a stage that you can grow through, if you are willing to be lovingly humorous about your own patterns in intimacy.

1. Dependence Relationship

"Men are men and women are women."

In the imaginary video, were you viewing a man and a woman in the abandoned throes of sexual ecstasy, or was the man subjugating, biting, and penetrating the woman against her will? In a Dependence Relationship, sex and power are often painfully mixed up; partners often confused some version of the master/slave relationship with real love. They are engaged in some kind of power play. In a Dependence Relationship, one partner often needs to feel in control while the other partner often gives up his or her authentic power in order to feel loved and accepted.

A Dependence Relationship involves partners who become dependent on each other for money, emotional support, parenting, or sex. Although the sex is sometimes good in this style of relationship (especially during the making-up period after a fight), partners often end up feeling limited by old-style gender roles or by an imbalance of financial or physical power. So they attempt to transition to the next style of relationship. To do so they learn to build personal boundaries and take care of themselves, rather than always catering to the needs of their partners.

2. 50/50 Relationship

"Safe boundaries and equal expectations for men and women."

Partners in a 50/50 Relationship want to feel safe, so the videotape might seem harsh and violent to them. On the surface, they might seem completely turned off and react as if any form of forceful and passionate sexual ravishment is an act of rape. Deep down, however, they might be wistfully turned on, reminded of the depth of sexual loving that may be missing from their safe but lukewarm love life.

The 50/50 Relationship is the "modern" style of relationship which is based on two independent people coming together and working out an equitable partnership. Each partner is expected to shoulder half the responsibilities, more or less, right down the middle. Each often has their own source of income, and together they negotiate a 50/50 plan to divide household duties, parenting, and financial obligations. To accomplish this, they attempt to strike their own inner balance between Masculine and Feminine qualities, both at home and at the workplace.

However, as many of us have discovered, there is a potential problem with this ideal of a 50/50 Relationship. We begin to lose our aliveness. Sexuality loses its passion. Our inner fire begins to fade. And we feel an incompleteness at our center. Why? Because many of us have a sexual essence that is naturally more Masculine or Feminine than it is equally balanced or Neutral. Thus, a side-effect of this effort toward 50/50 is the suppression or starvation of our naturally more Masculine or Feminine sexual essence.

For some of us, a cooperative partnership which emphasizes communication and shared responsibilities is sufficient. Others in this situation eventually suffer a feeling of incompleteness and develop a yearning to touch and be touched far more deeply and more passionately than a 50/50 Relationship often allows.

3. Intimate Communion

"I relax into oneness and spontaneously give my deepest gift."

If we have grown beyond a 50/50 Relationship, we are no longer cautious about giving our love to our intimate partner. At moments we might beg and whimper; at other moments we might aggressively ravish our partner in love. Still at other times our loving is serene and sweet. But whether shouting, screaming, pleading, pushing, pulling, biting, or hugging, we are gifting our partner with our uninhibited and free love, flowing directly from our sexual essence without fear or doubt.

If we have grown into the practice of Intimate Communion, the imaginary videotape does not pose a dilemma since we understand that the fundamental difference between rape and ravishment is simple: love. Is love the motive of every squeeze, shriek, and nibble, regardless of how forceful, aggressive, or passionate? Or is it a motive of need--the need for sex, the need for power, the need for control?

Most importantly, in the practice of Intimate Communion we learn that love is something you do, not something you fall into or out of. Love is something that you practice, like playing tennis or the violin, not something you happen to feel or not. If you are waiting to feel love, in passionate sex or safe conversation, you are making a mistake. Love is an action that you do--and when you do it, you feel it. When you are loving, others find you lovable. Love is an action you can practice.

Therefore, in Intimate Communion we learn to practice loving, even when we feel hurt, rejected, or resistant. First we practice love, and then our native sexual essence blooms, naturally, inevitably, because we are learning to give from our core, which includes the root of our sexuality.

Stages of Love

Stage 1 – The Romance Stage

This is also known as the Courtship Phase or the Fantasy Stage, and can last anywhere from 2 months to 2 years. This is when you and your partner have just met, and everything is absolutely amazing. You can’t get enough of each other. Neither of you can do any wrong in the eyes of the other… mainly because you’re both still on your best behavior. The focus in this stage is on commonalities – you have so many common interests, you could practically be the same person! You show your partner your absolute best self, and you try to please each other as much as possible. Conflict is seen as “bad” in this stage, and is avoided at all costs. You can’t imagine living without this person, so you begin spending as much time together as possible. This is the stage when our defenses are down the most, which allows you to be open to and fall in love. You and your partner are building an important foundation in this stage, so your relationship can grow. There are biological effects as well. When you’re in this stage, your body is producing enormous amounts of endorphins, which makes you feel unusually happy, positive and excited about everything in your life (this is that “head over heels in love” feeling!). This is the stage most often portrayed in movies and romantic novels, for obvious reasons. Bottom line – you are happier than you’ve ever been, and can’t imagine ever feeling any differently.

Stage 2 – The Disillusionment Stage

This stage is also known as the Familiarization Stage, or the Adjusting to Reality Phase. This is where you begin to realize that your partner is actually a human being (horror of horrors!). You get to know each other more and more, and as a result you start recognizing their various flaws and shortcomings. You see your partner in relaxed situations, and you become more relaxed as well. Since your body cannot possibly continue to produce the same levels of endorphins that it was in the beginning, those feelings of being on top of the world start to decline. Your partner’s little habits aren’t quite as cute as they used to be, but there is still enough goodwill from the Romance Stage that you’re willing to overlook them. This stage can start to trickle into your relationship slowly, as you begin to see your partner for who s/he really is. Or sometimes it happens all of a sudden, when there has been some sort of dishonesty or deceit. This phase can be confusing and discouraging, since you’ve just experienced so much openness and connection in the Romance Stage. However, at this stage, your main job is to learn how to communicate and resolve conflict with this person effectively, which is an important skill if you want your relationship to continue.

Stage 3 – The Power Struggle Stage

This stage is also known as the Disappointment Phase or Distress Stage. As the characteristics from the Disillusionment Phase intensify, they become harder and harder to deal with. You will most likely begin to pull away from each other in this stage. At this point, you both still believe that conflict is a “bad” thing, but you are increasingly aware of your many differences. You fight to draw boundaries in the relationship, and as a result even small annoyances become big issues. This is the stage where you define unacceptable behavior, and most couples have occasional or frequent thoughts of leaving the relationship. More and more often, you start to feel like your partner is self-centered or un-caring, or even worse, that they simply can’t be trusted. Deep resentments begin to build if you’re unable to resolve your issues in a respectful and mutually agreeable way. Many couples get stuck in this stage, because this way of interacting becomes normal in their relationship. This is when it is absolutely necessary to learn to manage your differences effectively - to communicate and work together as a team, even though it’s tempting to believe that your partner’s sole purpose on Earth is to make your life difficult. Not surprisingly, this is the stage most couples are in when they decide to break up or file for divorce. However, if they are able to negotiate all of the landmines during this phase, they’ll move on to….

Stage 4 – The Stability Stage

This is a restful and peaceful time, compared to the last stage. This stage is also known as the Friendship Phase or Reconciliation Stage. Some couples never make it to this stage, but the ones who do find that they have deeper feelings of love, connection and trust with their partner. You now have history together, and most people begin to rely on the predictability of the relationship. As you enter this stage, you begin to realize that your partner isn’t perfect, but your personal differences aren’t quite as threatening as they used to be. You’re able to resolve most of your differences, at least to some extent, and you become more confident in the relationship. Some people feel a sense of loss in this stage as they learn to accept their partner for who they truly are, since this means they have to let go of the fantasy that was established early on in the relationship. But for the most part, the deepening sense of friendship and commitment is a good trade-off for those early feelings of butterflies and excitement. This is also when you begin to re-establish your own outside interests and friendships, which were given up in the Romance Phase. There is some danger that you may begin to drift apart from or become bored with your partner in this phase, so you should try to maintain the connection that was created in the Romance Phase. Overall, this is the stage when you finally begin to feel comfortable and happy with your deepening relationship.

Stage 5 – The Commitment Stage

This stage is also known as the Acceptance Phase, the Transformation Stage, or the Real Love Phase. It is estimated that fewer than 5% of couples actually make it to this stage, according to The Relationship Institute. This is the stage when both couples have a clear notion of who their partner is, faults, foibles and weaknesses galore… yet they make a conscious choice to be with this person in spite of all of those things (and in some cases, because of those things). You are no longer with your partner because you need them, but because you’ve chosen them, which means the level of resentment you felt in the Power Struggle Phase has decreased, if not disappeared. If you’ve made it to this stage, you and your partner are a team. You genuinely love your partner, and you look out for their best interests just as much as you look out for your own. Your partner is your best friend. There are few surprises about your partner's habits or character in this phase. You’ve collaborated to overcome many challenges together, and have grown to accept and support each other without restriction. Your vision for your relationship is in congruence with who you are and what you both truly want. You have discussed your future together - you have similar life goals, and you feel encouraged to define your relationship further. Many couples decide to make a formal or public commitment to each other in this stage (such as marriage) to demonstrate their intention to continue their relationship. This is the stage in which your relationship becomes a true partnership.

let go!

Strip your mate of their pride, and you strip them of their soul.
You have to let go of something, before you can get it.
You have to stop needing something, in order for it to be freely given to you.
If you live in a constant state of self-protection, you always will be alone.
If you hold prisoner a life it's only desire is to get free. The harder you hold, the more they need to flee.
Did you know that, contrary to popular belief, you can change other people - simply by changing yourself.
How we treat another is a cycle of how we feel they treat us. This can be good, or bad, depending solely on ourselves and our efforts of communication. Also, this works both ways - how they treat us is how they feel we treat them. Do unto others...
You are the only one that can save your relationship. It is not up to your spouse/mate to change their mind or decision, it is up to you to change yours.
When you are on the begging end of a relationship, you are putting your partner in the driver's seat. You can gain back the driver's seat and steer your relationship in a better direction by getting out of drive and putting your efforts in reverse.
When another person opposes you they may do one of four things (in this order): They resist, attack, withdraw, or flee. Rarely, if ever, do they happily, or willingly, surrender.
You can save your relationship, and stop your breakup, but first you have to stop resisting the breakup.
Without even knowing it, by working at our relationships we actually do more harm than good.
It only takes one partner to save the relationship.
You need to stop your resistance to things in your life that you have no control over. Learn the peaceful release that comes with acceptance and letting go. Release your upsets and fears and give them back to themselves, and you gain control. Hold onto them and resist them and you lose control.
When you repeatedly try to change someone, they actually shut down and stop responding to you. They resist our efforts, either by staying and fighting our controlling actions, or by taking flight and leaving us. Eventually they lose all desire to stay and completely shut down from us and the relationship.
Our pain and hurt is not caused by other people, or uncomfortable situations. Pain and hurt in our lives is caused by our own resistance to accepting situations, certain experiences, or unwanted occurrences. The minute we stop fighting and resisting the event we take our pain away.
You can not stop a divorce, or a breakup, unless and until you let go of resisting it, and learn to accept it. Realize that you will be okay, no matter what. And you will!
The moment you let go of something you actually gain control over it.
Letting go is actually the greatest weapon we have. We can overpower and overcome just about anything and anyone simply by letting go of them.
We naturally fear losing anything that is important to our lives, be that of our mates, our jobs, our home, our possessions, or our friends. The more we fear losing them the more we resist, holding on even tighter. We can become manipulative, challenging, controlling, threatening, helpless, promising, clinging, pleading, proposing, conniving, over-bearing, weepy, sappy, panicky, submissive, etc. The more we try to use these forms of manipulation, the more we are likely to lose what we have. The more we let go of ownership over these things and stop our resistance to losing them - and the more we are willing and accepting of losing them - the more likely we are to keep them in our lives. The loss of something in our lives is not the end of the world. Remember, the most beautiful things in your life started out in a situation where you had to let go of something and venture into the unknown.
By accepting and being willing to the fact that you may lose your loved one, you stop your resistance and fear associated with it and trust that you will be okay. This, in turn, eliminates your need to have them in your life. And when you let go of someone you allow them to stop running from you. They naturally feel more comfortable around you and willingly return without fear. When you can fully admit your own role and mistakes, you gain back their support for you.
Letting go is in accepting that all loss hurts, but that you will be okay, no matter what. Avoiding painful situations by holding on only exaggerates and extends the amount of our pain.
Ask yourself, 'what is the worse that will happen?' You will lose your spouse? Well, no..not really - by accepting the fact that you never really have anyone but yourself, can you realize that only in losing yourself do you really suffer loss. And you can only lose yourself to someone else. Why would you want to do that? They already have a life, and if you hand yours over to them then they will have two lives and you won't have any!

Acknowledging your fears is the key to letting them go. The more you fight and resist the breakup the more the inevitable conclusion that it will occur. However, by accepting that it might happen, by stopping your resistance to it, and by allowing the flood of emotions that occur..you are taking a major step toward stopping the breakup. You stop your breakup by actually being willing to let it happen, and by being okay with that outcome. The key to peace in letting go is by admitting that it's okay to lose.

The Infidelity Cure Why men are tempted to cheat, and how they can stop the cycle.

from Beliefnet

An acquaintance of mine asked to come to my office the other evening to solicit my advice. A wealthy man who travels extensively and who (until now) has been happily married for eight years, he was thinking of having an affair. Not with any woman in particular, mind you. He was meeting a lot of women in his travels who expressed their interest in him, and he wondered why he should deprive himself. After all, he has the best boat and the biggest house. Why should he deprive himself of beautiful women?

I was not surprised by his question, as this was the third time in as many months that a husband had talked to me about his desire to have an affair.

Cheating on one's wife is all over the news. Two recent huge court trials in America-Scott Peterson's and Kobe Bryant's-involved husbands accused of major crimes who claim their only misstep was the "minor" one of infidelity. Is that really such a big deal?

Indeed, infidelity is skyrocketing all over America. It's estimated that between 60 and 75 percent of husbands have been unfaithful at one point or another. Why this explosion? Several reasons come to mind.

First, monogamy is no longer a cultivated art. Men are marrying later today after having had many sexual partners. Getting used to one person is something they find enormously challenging. Secondly, marriage is mistakenly represented as being about friendship. Men choose wives who are their partners-and they put very little time into nurturing an erotic life together, which quickly leads to sexual boredom. Indeed, an article in Newsweek estimated that one-third of American couples in their thirties are no longer having sex, something I hear again and again in my counseling sessions with couples.

In addition, there is the rampant availability of pornography, especially on the Internet. Even on commercial TV it seems that women can barely keep their clothes on. As a result, men are trained to see all women in a sexual light, thereby vastly increasing the possibility that casual acquaintances will lead to casual sex.

Finally, in an age where even the former President of the United States was getting some on the side, why should you deny yourself? Bill Clinton, interviewed on "60 Minutes" about his new book My Life, was asked by Dan Rather why he cheated with Monica Lewinsky. He responded, "Because I could." For many husbands, the reasons for infidelity don't go much deeper than that. They can-so they do. And they have no morals, religious beliefs, or sense of commitment to stop them. Moreover, many single women today are like Monica Lewinsky--they wouldn't take someone's watch or kidnap their children, but they believe it's socially acceptable to steal another woman's husband.

When I was asked by the man mentioned earlier to give him a good reason why he shouldn't cheat, I told him that one of the most compelling reasons was that he would not only be dishonoring his wife but himself. There comes a time in a man's life when he has to decide what kind of person he wants to be. Even if his wife never found out, he would always know the truth about himself.

The ancient Rabbis said that when contemplating committing a sin, one must always remember that there is always "an Eye that sees and an Ear that hears." G-d is omnipresent. Silly excuses like "my wife doesn't understand me" mean nothing to the Almighty. Your wife doesn't understand you? Well, make her understand. Talk to her. Having sex with another woman won't increase her comprehension.

But I also told the man who consulted me something else, something that is often not focused on when arguments are given to husbands as to why they should remain faithful. In addition to being immoral and deeply hurtful to one's spouse, cheating deprives a husband of the greatest erotic pleasure that marriage has to offer.

Men cheat primarily for one reason: they're bored. Their wives are a known quantity, and they want variety. Seducing a wife does not make one feel manly, since no seduction is really necessary. Men feel that their masculinity is corroborated specifically when a woman who is reluctant to go to bed with them has her resistance lowered through his overpowering attractiveness. Man, that feels good.

Yet married men are clueless when it comes to recognizing how sexually attractive their wives are to other men. Moreover, this attraction is mutual. Just as men are attracted to your wife, she is attracted to them as well, especially if they make her feel desirable and womanly.

For a woman at work, these men might include her boss, her colleagues, and especially men who are subordinate to her. Stay-at-home moms, contary to popular belief, also have plenty of men to interact with. There's the Fed Ex man who delivers her packages, the electrician who connects her wires, or the proverbial pool guy who shines her tiles. One way or another, women are attracted to men, especially when they know that those men are attracted right back.

Why don't husbands realize this? A man whose attraction to his wife has waned thinks that the same is true for all other men as well. But to other men, she is shiny, new, and unconquered-even better, she is sinful and forbidden, the ultimate allure.

Husbands are oblivious to how enticing their wives are to other men for another reason: Most wives hide this in an effort to protect their husband's ego. They are afraid of making him jealous or getting him mad. "What do you mean, some guy is interested in you! What are you doing to lead him on?" There is no way, therefore, a wife would ever share with him what it is like to be a woman-with men constantly hitting on you or staring at you.

The net result is that the average husband contemplating an affair is convinced that his own wife would never do the same. He is the sexy and attractive one, not her. In my book Kosher Adultery, I quote a study in which husbands who were having affairs were asked if they thought their wives were cheating too. More than 90 percent responded, "My wife is not the type."

Indeed, it comes as a shock to most men that wives have affairs at all, even though Newsweek ran a cover story recently cataloguing the huge increase in female infidelity, which doubled between 1991 and 2002, according to a University of Chicago survey. Husbands can be real idiots: They don't realize that what leads wives into the arms of other men is a husband who never offers them affection or a hug.

How blind these men are! While their wives may not be cheating with their bodies, you can guarantee that they're cheating in their minds. Wives can tell when their husbands are not interested in them, and they subtly seek out a stranger's attention to compensate. Likewise, there is nothing that another man can spot more readily than a lonely and unhappy woman. So here is my advice to the husband who is thinking of straying. I admit it's strong medicine and should only be carried out by the brave among you. Go to your wife and gently persuade her to tell you to whom she is attracted-and whether she believes that her attraction is reciprocated. Go further. Get her to tell you if she has ever fantasized about these men.

Through this, you'll start to reinvent your marriage. Begin to see the male world through your wife's eyes. It will blow you away, and you will never again feel the need to find variety through the path of marital infidelity. You will have variety in spades, not through other women, but through the men who constantly remind you how attractive your wife is. When you go out to dinner, don't stare at the waitress with the low-cut blouse. Rather, look at how the male diners react to your wife as she walks by. You'll see that these men look at her in the same lustful way that you look at the waitress.

Your marriage will seem new all over again.

18 rules of happiness

Copyright © 2009 Karl Moore

Rule #1 - Stop Feeling Sorry for Yourself!
“Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in this world.” - Helen Keller

Oh, come on. Admit it.

We all do it every single day.
Everybody enjoys wallowing in a little self-pity. It feels great to remind ourselves how terrible the world is. How we’ve not been given the right opportunities. How people are against us. How life has been a real struggle this past year.
Right?
But here’s a true secret to happiness. And it’s probably the biggest, easiest and quickest happiness secret you’ll stumble across. Ever. If you want to be happy – just stop feeling sorry for yourself. Self-pity, you see, is the worst kind of emotion. It eats up everything around, except itself. It leaves itself standing in the middle, feeling sorry for how poorly life has been treating it. We’ve all felt like that, right? Maybe you feel like life has dealt you a bad hand. Perhaps you’ve lost money, family or health. It could be that you’ve missed out on so many opportunities that others have been easily granted – and you think that fate really HAS been unfair to you. And that viewpoint might even be 100% correct.
But STOP feeling sorry for yourself.
It’s not going to help the situation. It’ll only help you to wallow in a state of apathy, playing the victim. The kind of person that things happen to, but that can’t do anything about it. By stopping feeling sorry for yourself, you can actually get on and DO something about it. Trust me on this one. This is the biggest ever technique for putting a smile onto your face. If you want to be happy – stop feeling sorry for yourself. You could close this book right now and you’d already hold the wisdom of ten thousand self-development courses, and double that number of self-help gurus. And it’s so simple. In fact, it’s worth repeating (and rewording) one more time: Stop feeling sorry for yourself – and you will be happy.

Rule #2 – Be Grateful
“If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough.”- Meister Eckhardt

We live in a fast-paced, microwave, drive-thru, Buy-It-Now society. It’s a society that has forgotten to be truly grateful for the things around it. We only tend to be grateful for things when we no longer have them. Think of the sense of relief you gain when you just get over an illness, and are so thankful that your turbulent tummy has now settled. Consider how appreciative you are when those tests come back clear. Or when the speeding camera doesn’t flash. Or when you finally find your lost child in the supermarket. These are the moments in life when we realize how blessed we truly are. Yet how many of us truly appreciate that on a day-to-day basis? My guess is very few of us. We only become grateful of things when we think we don’t have them. But here’s the thing: by counting our blessings every day, in a very literal way, we become happier people. Research across the globe in countless studies has proven this over and over again. So, when was the last time YOU were truly grateful? Think of all the wonderful things you have to be grateful for right now. It could be your family. Or your health. Maybe your home. Your friends. Your brain. Your heart. Your spirit. Even your DVD collection. We’ve all got amazing things in our own lives that make us smile with joy. Things that bring a secret, loving tear to our eyes. And if we can only learn to count these blessings every day, we’ll discover a true happiness and greater appreciation of the beautiful world we surround ourselves with. So, if you can, make that part of your daily ritual. Count your blessings, briefly in the morning, and briefly at night. Then smile at the world for sending such great things your way. Be grateful – and you will be happy.

Rule #3 – Say Yes More
“I will say yes to every favour, request, suggestion and invitation. I will swear to say yes where once I would say no.” – Danny Wallace

“No!” is a wonderful word. It’s powerful, it’s universally understood, and it stops everything in its tracks. By saying no, you’re instantly slamming the door and holding it shut, ensuring nothing else gets through. But how many of us say “No!” way too often? You see, “No” really holds us back in life. It closes us off to many of life’s wonderful experiences, and causes us to resist what happens around us. When we say no, we’re swimming against the current. When we say yes, we’re swimming with the current. Which do you think is easiest? Which produces less stress? Which is faster, and more enjoyable? We say “NO!” to life’s funny randomness, when a passing bus splashes rainwater all over our new jeans. We shout “NO!” to our emotions, resisting and fighting grief, when our pet rat passes away. We yell “NO!” when we don’t get that promotion, which we’d been working so hard to achieve. Long story short: we say NO to everything, too often. We fight against what happens to us in life, rather than allowing it to be as it is. We resist it, rather than accepting it. We say “No!” rather than saying “Yes” – or even just “Okay.” By saying “Yes!” more to life, we go with the flow. Things become more enjoyable and positive, less stressful and anxious, and often the situation turns out for the better regardless.
So, SAY YES MORE.
And what about saying “Yes!” more socially too? Say “Yes!”
when you’re invited to that party. Say “Yes!” when you’re asked if you’d like lunch with the boys. Say “Yes!” when you’ve asked to go on that speed dating night, which you wouldn’t normally even consider. (That’s what Danny Wallace did in his great comedy cum self-help book “Yes Man.” He said yes more. It changed his life.) So, if you’d like to flow more with the current of life... If you’d like to inject a little more excitement into your day... If you’d like to enjoy the random twist and turns of fate...
Then SAY YES MORE.
The Australians call it a “bias for yes.” The Spanish say “Si a todo.” Buddhists describe it as flowing with the river of life. In this book, we simply say yes more. Try it out, even if just for a week. It’ll change your world. Say yes more – and you will be happy.

Rule #4 – Follow Your Bliss
“When you follow your bliss, doors will open where you would not have thought there would be doors; and where there wouldn't be a door for anyone else.” – Joseph Campbell

In life, it’s easy to end up in the “wrong place.” We’re doing a job we hate. We’re living with people we dislike. We’re keeping secrets, when we’d rather be open and genuine. We get stuck and don’t feel authentic, because we’re not truly doing what we want. Does that sound like you? If so, you need to find what makes you truly happy. American mythologist Joseph Campbell summed up that process of seeking your own true happiness and authenticity in three simple words: “Follow your bliss.” Sometimes in life, we all stray and lose direction. We’re half- way up a ladder we didn’t want to climb, rather than at the bottom of one that we do. By not following our bliss, we permanently limit our happiness and stop ourselves truly enjoying our lives. Are you following your bliss? One thing bliss is not – and that’s money. Bliss is what you’re doing when you’re wrapped up in the moment. When you’re so thrilled just to be doing it, it ceases even to be work anymore. Your bliss occurs when you’re living in the moment, and time doesn’t really matter anymore. My bliss is helping to run a number of really big businesses, while teaching self-development. In fact, I love it so much that I’m typing this rule while on holiday in Thailand. It’s not for the money, it’s for the pleasure. I’m immersed in my own bliss. So, what’s YOUR bliss? You may love teaching tube surfing on the beaches of Australia. Or running your own small accountancy firm. Or helping teenagers discover and appreciate the world of art. When you were a child, and played with a kite, you were immersed in your bliss. As an adult, what makes you feel like that again? And how can you increase that in your life? Follow your bliss. You know, I have a theory that absolutely everyone in life knows what they need to do in order to become happy. It’s just that most aren’t brave enough to take the steps to do it.So, that’s your challenge. Take those steps, follow your bliss – and you will be happy.

Rule #5 – Learn to Let Go
“By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try, the world is beyond the winning.” – Lao Tzu

Emotions are the things that make us human. When we cry, we’re experiencing emotion. When we’re fearful, we’re experiencing emotion. Whenever we’re angry, upset, passionate, greedy, scared – we’re experiencing emotion. But sometimes emotions need reigning in! They cause us not to make that fantastic speech at the company conference, because we’re scared of the platform. They stop us making up with long-gone friends, because we’re still maddened with anger. They cause us to stay in relationships that damage us, because we’re still emotionally addicted to the misshapen void the relationship fills.

Emotions aren’t always good for you. You are NOT your emotions.
Emotions are just things that happen, and which you can (and should) control.
Sure, that sounds easy. But here’s the thing: it actually really is easy. The best way to let go of our troublesome emotions, the emotions that are holding us back from happiness, is to discover the art of releasing. So, what is releasing? Releasing is the ability to realize that you are desperately “gripping” onto emotions in your life. You treat them as if they’re “you.” It’s about realizing you can let go of them, unclench your fist around them, just by making a simple decision. How can you start releasing? The simplest method is just to go through your life, recognizing where emotions are holding you up. Are you angry about your home-life situation? Your working hours? That incident you just had, with the rude guy at the grocery store? Bring that issue or situation to the forefront of your mind. Connect with the emotion. Then, ask yourself: “Can I let this go?”

Can you let it go? Just for this moment? Could you release this emotion? Breathe out, and answer honestly with either “Yes” or “No.” Either answer is absolutely fine. If you can let it go, then do it. Really feel yourself letting go. Feel yourself releasing, unclenching, relaxing, detaching. It should feel something like when a doctor calls to tell you those worrying tests have come back all clear: an immediate release of worry and tension. And if you can’t let go right now, don’t stress it. Give yourself permission to hold onto it some more. It’s your decision. How does that feel? If the emotion still has charge, simply repeat the process until you feel better – or until you feel like stopping. Remember, letting go doesn’t mean you “forgive” the person at the grocery store, or you “allow” that kind of behaviour. It just means that you release the negative emotion inside of you. By releasing negative emotions, you’ll not only enjoy much more freedom in your life – you’ll also become more emotionally stable and less stressed too. So, learn to let go – and you will be happy. (PS. Releasing is so important, I’ve included a how-to mini- course at the end of this book. It’s in Appendix I: “A Short Course in Releasing.”)

Rule #6 – Do Random Acts of Kindness
“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” - Dalai Lama

We’ve all felt it. That spark of happiness which ignites within us whenever we
do a good deed for someone else. We hold open the door for the elderly lady behind us, and she returns the favour with a warm, grandmother’s smile. You bring a box of chocolates into work for no particular reason, and get the warm attention of all your colleagues. The truth is that doing things for other people really makes US feel great! The more we give, the more we receive. And one perfect way to add a little extra happiness to your own life, and the outside world, is to indulge in Random Acts of Kindness. Or RAKs as I prefer to abbreviate. So, what are Random Acts of Kindness? Well, the clue is really in the name. A RAK is a small act of kindness that you grant to someone else in the world – for absolutely no reason whatsoever, without expecting anything in return. The classic example of a RAK is to pay at a toll booth for the car behind you. The recipient of the Random Act of Kindness will not only be flattered and uplifted by your generous deed, it’s likely they’ll “pay it forward” to someone else too. And that person may pay it forward yet again.
Indeed, your single Random Act of Kindness could just change the world. So, what Random Acts of Kindness could YOU indulge in – to make yourself, and the world around you, happier? Donate to a charity shop. Give someone a hug. Write a letter of appreciation. Say “I love you” to your parents. Pay for someone behind you. Donate blood. Scrape the ice off a stranger’s car windscreen. Do something for them that they can’t. Give $1 of your money in the best way you can. Become a conservation volunteer. Give your groceries to a neighbour. Take someone out for the day. Spend time with a local elder. Send someone a bunch of flowers, randomly.

Take chocolate into work for sharing, without a reason. Thank your mentor for their support. Plant a tree. Pick up litter. Be someone’s biggest fan for a day. Be nice to someone who looks low. Smile more. Give food to a nearby shelter.
Hold open the door. Give a cup of food at http://www.thehungersite.com. Remember, it doesn’t have to be exuberant, and it doesn’t have to cost you a penny. Just throw a little extra kindness out to the world – and watch how you find greater happiness starting to flood back into your own life. So, do Random Acts of Kindness – and you will be happy.

Rule #7 – Happiness Is Only Ever Now
“Few of us ever live in the present, we are forever anticipating what is to come or remembering what has gone.” - Louis L'Armor

Many pubs in the United Kingdom have an infamous sign hanging above the bar:
“Free Beer Tomorrow!” It’s funny because, of course, “tomorrow” never comes.
But when you think about it, how many of us truly live our lives like that? We spend so much time waiting to be happy in the future, or worrying about the past, that we forget to live in the moment. We fail to realize that happiness can only EVER be now.
Let me give you an example. You’re driving through the city and your favourite song hits the radio. You’re stuck in traffic, but loving the music – and you start to crazily sing along. You really get into it. You’re in the moment. But then you catch a few jealous faces in nearby cars, and go all shy and timid. Suddenly you’re no longer living in the moment. You’re wondering what they’ll think about you. You’re concerned they’ll disapprove. You freeze up. Your happiness has gone, and your inhibition has arrived. You’re no longer in the moment, in the NOW – you’re stuck thinking about wanting approval from these people, worried what they’ll think of you outside that moment. Right? Try to catch yourself at some random point today – and just check what’s on your mind. If you’re like most people, you’ll be somewhere other than here and now. You’ll be thinking about whether you made a good impression with that guy earlier today. You might be thinking about the holiday you have planned for next September. Or how all of your problems will be solved this time next year. You’ll be anywhere but in the MOMENT. In fact, we each spend 95% of our time in the past or the future. But here’s the thing: Life is transient. The past has gone. The future is just a dream. The only time that truly exists ever is RIGHT NOW. In other words, RIGHT NOW is the ONLY time you can do or change ANYTHING in your life. You are only ever what exists in THIS MOMENT. So, are you HAPPY right now? Are you doing EVERYTHING you’d like to – and feeling THRILLED with life, as you read these words? If you’re not, then make the decision to be happy. NOW. And if you’d like, put down this book, and go fly a kite. Or tell your partner that you love them. Or get your groovy flares on and head out to the nearby disco. NOW is the only time you can change anything. And NOW is the only time you have. So, make that simple decision – to be happy NOW.

Rule #8 – Experience, Don’t Hoard!
“When you're curious, you find lots of interesting things to do.” – Walt Disney

We all dream of fast cars, expensive yachts and magnificent showcase homes.
But do these things really make us happy? Research says – well, yes, actually. Let’s be honest. Anyone that says they’re happy while stone broke is probably lying. Having a little money behind you is always a great idea. Money makes things happen. But even so, studies have shown that the happiness “created” by material goods is only ever temporary. Within a few months, the dog hairs have permanently settled into the back seat of your once-new Mercedes – and annoying neighbours have moved next door to your beach home in Santa Monica. The initial rush these material pleasures once brought soon subsides. So, how do you get a lasting buzz from your money? Well, those same studies showed that investing in experiences rather than material goods created greater lasting happiness. From travelling in the tropics to overnight on the Orient, mini “life adventures” brought with them an immediate thrill – and a lasting memory and experience of the world, which resulted in greater long-term happiness. So, rather than hoarding your cash, or spending it on merely material pleasures – why not indulge in a few mini life adventures of your own? Go on a safari holiday in Africa. Visit the location of your favourite film. Hunt down the Aurora Borealis in Sweden. Take two weeks out and explore your own country. Learn a new language. Visit your local tourist board and follow their recommendations. Get involved in a nearby wine tasting group. Discover ballroom dancing. It doesn’t have to be big and it doesn’t have to be expensive. And you can always do it on your own, too. Even more exciting, set yourself crazy challenges and see what happens. Write a blog, or book, about your experiences. Say “Yes!” to everything for a week and see what happens. Date twenty men over two months. Dine out somewhere new every night for two weeks. Meet five new people every day for a week. Go out with a new group of friends every week for two months. Find five people on the Internet with the same name as you – and try to meet one of them. By living, and truly experiencing life, we feel more whole, fulfilled and authentic. So, experience – don’t hoard – and you will be happy.

Rule #9 – Appreciate Both Sides of the Coin
“You don’t know when you’ve hit a peak until you’re coming down. And you don’t
know when you’ve hit a trough until you’re climbing out. It’s all good” – David Brent

The world is crammed full of “opposites.” In order to have hot, you must have cold. In order to have light, you must also have dark. In order to have up, you must have down. Right? They’re opposites. One can’t really exist without the other. In fact, they’re actually “pairs.” Without each other, neither can exist. It just doesn’t make sense. You can’t have up without down. We all understand that now. But how many times do we try to cram our lives with happiness – and remove every last drop of sadness? The truth is that in order for you to experience true happiness in your life, you must experience sadness. It’s required. Without sadness, we really can’t even understand what happiness is. Yet how many of us struggle and fight against sadness when it comes into our lives? We think that we should ONLY be experiencing the good, the positive, the happy. We MUST be thinking positively at all times. And if we don’t, we blame ourselves for failing. Is this a realistic way to live your life? Are YOU addicted to only experiencing the “good” in life? Are you TRULY embracing the “duality” of your life experiences? Remember, you cannot throw only the heads side of a coin. The tails side always goes with it. In order to have happiness, you must also experience sadness. If you wish, consider it a “credit” toward future happiness. Dolly Parton describes it much more eloquently: “If you want the rainbow, you’ve got to put up with the rain.” In other words, and quite simply: It’s all good. Stop judging individual experiences, and how “good” or “bad” they are. Just enjoy and embrace all your life adventures. And when seemingly negative things happen, remember that it’s just the duality of life. It’s just the other side of the coin. It’s required. It’s part of the equation. So, appreciate the other side of the coin – and you will be happy.

Rule #10 – Be More Social
“Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” - Marcel Proust

It turns out that Michael Caine was right all along. Playing Scrooge in the Muppets Christmas Carol, he sang: “If you want to know the measure of a man, you simply count his friends!” Countless studies on the science of happiness have turned up one single characteristic of the happiest and most successful people in society. They have a large social network! Lots of friends. Lots of colleagues. Lots of people they ca just to banter with for 10 minutes.How many friends are stored in your cell phone? One shortcut to becoming happier – quickly – is to simply make more friends. Be proactive about it. Don’t just wait for interesting people to stumble into your life. Join a local dance group. Discover a book club. Try randomly chatting with strangers in your nearest cafe. Get yourself listed on social networking sites, such as Facebook, MySpace, Bebo, Hi5 – and join the online groups that share your interests. Subscribe to the many friendship- only sites springing up in big cities. Get out there! Making friends isn’t that difficult. You just need to make the effort. Here are some tips. Firstly, make yourself an attractive friend. Don’t begrudge buying a coffee occasionally. Don’t have “attitude.” Don’t spend your time moaning. Nobody likes negativity. Keep a smile on your face – while being yourself. Secondly, make an effort, even when they don’t. Sometimes people are reserved in the early stages of friendship, and need that extra push before a real connection can be established. Be the one to make that move. If it doesn’t work out, it’s their loss. Move on. Throughout it all, however, make sure you play the numbers game. Don’t stop when you have one or two extra friends. Keep going and going. Expand your social circle as far as you can. Be the person that walks through town and bumps into a dozen friends. Remember, the happiest people are those that have the largest social circles. So, be more social – and you will be happy.

Rule #11 –Love More!
“Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They bless the
one who receives them, and they bless you, the giver.” – Barbara De Angelis

American spiritual master Lester Levenson was given just days to live. The doctors had little hope for his failing heart. But, surviving a few days longer than expected, Lester turned to consider what life was all really about. (He zoomed out. Rule #17.) He concluded that life was about happiness, freedom. These were the things he needed to pursue. But what granted him the most freedom and happiness in life? Lester instantly felt that the answer was love. And when his many girlfriends expressed their love for him in public, certainly he felt a wave of happiness. Yet it was fleeting. Momentary. Then he realized that he felt the most happy in life – when he was the one giving the love! The more he loved his girlfriend, the happier he became. The more he loved the world around him, the happier he became. The more he loved even his enemies, the happier he became. And best of all, HE could control the amount of love he gave – and thereby control the amount of happiness he experienced. Think about it for a moment. Doesn’t that ring true for you? Don’t you feel happier when you are loving more? I’m not talking about the clingy, relationship love that most people are well-aware of. But rather an open, giving, warm love. An all-accepting love, like that of a mother for her child, or a child for his puppy. So, can you simply begin to love more? For absolutely no reason at all. Just for fun. Love the whole world more. Love your family for being as maddening as they are. Love the beautiful green trees around you as you take your daily stroll. Love your friends for all of their strengths and weaknesses. Love both sides of the coin. (Rule #10.) Simply, love more. Even your enemies, or that rude guy that insulted you this very morning. Remember, if you’d travel in their footsteps and had their experiences in life right to that very moment, whatever they just did would make perfect sense to you. Accept it, and give them a little love, because they might just need it. Go through everyone you know – and in your own mind, offer them a little love. Keep that open heart as you walk around during your day. Because, as the Beatles suggested, love might just be all you need. So, love more – and you will be happy.

Rule #12 – Have a Dream
“A person starts dying when they stop dreaming” – Brian Williams

Learning how to be happy NOW is a real skill. (Rule #7.) They say he who is not happy with what he has, will not be happy with what he gets. But it’s equally as important to have a dream to lead you forward in life. Everyone who ever did anything started with a dream, a vision, a goal, a thought. Coupled with that distinctly human quality, hope. So, what do YOU dream of? Would you like to explore the ancient castles of England? Would you like to act in a local theatre production? Would you like to write your first novel? Or even your second? Perhaps you dream of helping your son through college. Or owning a second home in Miami. Or starting your own online business. Or having the very best family Christmas ever. Or ... ? Dream are critical. They light up life. Without them, we become bored, and tired, and apathetic. So, take this opportunity to really clarify your dreams. Take a pen and paper and spend an hour figuring out what you really dream about. Create a scrapbook and fill it with magazine pictures. Write your dreams on special paper, and put them in an envelope under your pillow. Scribble them onto scrap paper and burn it at midnight with a yellow candle, if you wish. It doesn’t really matter how you record them, ritual or n ritual. But clarify your dreams, and write them down. They’ll suddenly take on a new importance, and you’ll automatically find yourself heading closer toward them. (See Rule #13. But whatever you do, make sure you have a dream. They’re incredibly important. Dreams are the spark plugs of the spirit. Make sure yours are ready for action. So, have a dream – and you will be happy.

Rule #13 – Intention Sets Direction
“Whether you think you can or you can’t, you’re right.” – Henry Ford

Have you ever set out for a party, expecting it to be terrible – and it was?
Ever left for a party, expecting it to be brilliant – and it was? You might not have realized this in your life yet, however the outcome you expect is often the outcome you get. You wake up on a bright, sunny day, yawn and stretch your way out of a comfortable bed, and decide that you have a wonderful 16 waking hours ahead of you. And you have a great day! The next morning, you wake to grey clouds and heavy rain, stub your toe on the bed, and decide that today is a bad day. And guess what? Strangely, you’re right again. Here’s a simple way of putting this that you may not have thought of before: Your intention sets your direction. In other words, the route you plan out for yourself is most likely the one you’ll end up taking. If you expect something great to happen, it will. If you expect that things will go wrong, they probably will too. Of course, the actual event itself likely won’t change.
However if you anticipate a great party, you’ll automatically filter out the negatives and set yourself in a mood to enjoy to the max. If you’re in doom and gloom mode, you’ll focus on one tiny argument in the background somewhere, and let it spoil your whole evening. It’s entirely relative. Because your intention sets your direction. This is really the principle on which the whole self- development community is current thriving. The Law of Attraction, The Secret, What The Bleep, Cosmic Ordering – even prayer. They’re all describing a convoluted form of this incredibly simple principle. They hype it up. They give it weird names. They surround it with mystical ritual. But the core concept remains the same. Decide on where you’re going and how it’ll be for you – and it’ll happen. There’s a great line in Alice in Wonderland, where the Cheshire Cat advises: “If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will take you there.”

So, the next time you go anywhere, or do anything, set your intention first. Make it clear that you’re going to have a great time, you’ll meet some fantastic people, and that it’s going to be wonderful. Set your general intention every morning and every night, too. The brighter and more positive, the better. Remember to set intention with your dreams, as well. (Rule #12.) It’s simple. Set your sunny intention – and you will be happy.

Rule #14 – Enjoy Simple Pleasures
“Simplicity is the essence of happiness.” - Cedric Bledsoe

Too often, our lives are filled with complex demands and desires.
We get upset because our new Sony Vaio has a deep red fascia rather than the grey-black we preferred. We’re annoyed because our restroom underfloor heating isn’t quite as warm as we’d like – and, come to think of it, those bathroom tiles are a little out-of-date. How often do you find yourself criticizing what exists in your life – rather than appreciating it? And how often do you take time out to truly enjoy the really SIMPLE pleasures in life?
Enjoying simple pleasures is, truly, one of the real secrets to happiness.
It’s an attitude. The ability to appreciate the happiness, the beauty, the pleasure in the simple things around us. The gloriously rich taste of a Sunday roast. The cool
sensation of a spring breeze. That familiar, homely smell of your dog. Sitting around with your family, laughing at some television comedy. Not only that, happiness can also be found in simple routines, too. That daily “thinking space” walk around a nearby river. That warm early morning cup of coffee before the working day begins. The weekly game of chess you play with an elderly neighbour. That sneaky glass of wine while unwinding with your husband. These are the simple pleasures and routines that bring us happiness. Happiness does not have to be complex. For me, happiness can be found on a cold Friday night, wrapped up in my quilt, a re-run of Columbo playing on television, and a warm mug of tea in my hand. To me, that’s true bliss. It gives me a warm, cosy feeling even as I write this. So, what simple pleasures and rituals currently exist in your life? And if you don’t have any, take time out to generate a few for yourself. Soak up the sunset tomorrow evening. Go to church every week, if only for the atmosphere. Cook yourself an experimental, flavour-filled meal. Indulge your senses. Drive to the sea. Remember the simple things that you truly enjoy. Then take time out to experience them again. Or even better, turn them into little daily or weekly rituals, filling your life with sunshine. Quite simply, enjoy simple pleasures and rituals – and you
will be happy.

Rule #15 – Accept What Is
“Happiness is a function of accepting what is.” – Werner Erhard

How many of us fight against what is happening in our lives? In our family? In society? In the world around us? You get fined for parking illegally. We’ve all done it at some point or another. You’ve checked it out, you were wrong, and there’s little you can do about it. Do you just shrug it off, accept what is, and continue happily with your day? Or, more realistically, do you moan about it for the next three days – sharing your woes with everyone you meet? Do you let it put you in a bad mood? Anger you? Taint your day? If you’re like most people, you do the latter. And that’s just a simple example. You might be fighting against your teenage son’s quest for freedom. Or society’s uncomfortable take on your sexuality. Or the way you look. Or, quite simply, you might generally be fighting against the cards life has dealt you. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t take action to change the world around you. With discussion, or protests, or dieting. But does all of that pent-up anger and resentment really serve anything? Rather than fighting it internally, wouldn’t it be much better just to accept what is first – and then change what you want, if you still want to? The world is a rough place. Sometimes things can get pretty crappy. Make no mistake. And when it rains, it pours. And the people that live here? A lot of them are pretty foolish. So, I’m on your side here. You’re right. But it’s pointless holding onto emotions that are holding you back. By not accepting (or welcoming, or embracing, or whatever other word you may prefer) what is, you are pushing against what exists right now. That causes tension, which results in stress, limitation, and lack of clarity. By accepting, welcoming, embracing what is, you clear all of your emotions. Your thoughts gain more clarity. You become happier. You experience more freedom. If you can change things, after accepting them, you’ll have a sharper mind and more energy to do so. If you can’t change things, or if you’re trying to change other people, stop immediately – realise that you simply can’t, and move onto something else. Pointless worrying – there’s nothing you can do about it. Shrug and smile about it, that’s life. Just accept what is – and you will be happy.

Rule #16 – Exercise and Eat Well
“If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.” – J.R.R.Tolkien

This book is crammed with rules for helping you achieve happiness.
Some rules are philosophies, providing you with fresh ways of experiencing the world. Others are techniques, enabling you to deal with the world in a more positive manner. But others – like this one – are really darn practical! You see, research shows that both exercise and “feel good food” can have a DRAMATIC effect on your happiness levels! Firstly, moderate exercise at least three times a week can rocket your serotonin, phenyl ethylamine and endorphin levels. These are the natural “feel good” chemicals that put a smile on your face. Here’s something else: The best kind of exercise you can get to feel happy doesn’t even require a gym membership!
Just walk for around forty minutes a day to enjoy the best happiness boost possible. You’ll not only benefit from serotonin, melatonin and adrenaline increases, you’ll also boost oxygen levels in your brain, thereby increasing focus and short-term memory. Not to mention that after a short while, you’ll begin enjoying a trimmer body, helping to heighten your self-esteem. Secondly, eating the right kind of foods can make you a much happier person. For example, did you know that your Omega 3 (fatty fish oil) levels can seriously affect how happy you are? In Germany, where fish consumption is low owing to geography, depression levels are high. Yet in Japan, with sushi-bars on every street corner, depression is a much rarer condition.
So what are the perfect foods to eat for making you happier? Well, almost ALL types of fish and nut work wonders. You can also try turkey, asparagus, sunflower seeds, cottage cheese, pineapple, tofu spinach, bananas and lobster. These foods are high in tryptophan, an amino acid the body converts into serotonin, bringing about greater states of well being. (For a full breakdown of feel good foods, read Appendix 4.)
For actual full meals designed to boost your happiness, try visiting the Food and Mood project, online at http://www.foodandmood.org – and checking out their Mind Meal options. And don’t forget your daily vitamin and mineral supplements, too – especially Omega 3. Brain supplements, such as Acuity (www.acuitydirect.com) can also help. That’s how you can change your happiness levels – just by changing what you put into your mouth. So, make sure that you eat well and exercise –and you will be happy.

Rule #17 – Zoom Out and Don’t Sweat
“If you do not raise your eyes you will think that you are the highest point.” - Antonio Porchia

Right now, you have a set of priorities running in your life. Number one may be that business deal you’re working on. Number two could be the mortgage you’re really trying to pay off. Number three is that vacation, and whether you’re really going to get on with Aunt Marjorie for two whole weeks. These are your current priorities.
but isn’t it funny how life can sometimes jolt any of us right back down to earth – and remind us all of what really matters in life? Of what our real priorities should be? I’m talking about the perspective we gain after a family member passes away. Or after a near-miss motorcycle accident. Or the moment your first child arrives into the world. We suddenly zoom out and view the world from a million miles above. Petty arguments are no longer worth our attention. The “importance”business seems to disappear immediately. All we often want to do is express our love for those we care about. Life has a habit of reminding us of the important things, whenever we forget. Have YOU forgotten what is really important in your life? Are you sacrificing your family time to clear that never- ending pile of paperwork? Do you spend days moaning about the negative, getting angered by the smallest of comments? Did you last hold yourself back from telling your partner how you felt – because you were embarrassed? Here’s the simple truth: You might be dead one hour from now. You never, ever know what is around the corner. So, try regularly “zooming out” of your current picture, and realizing the true priorities in your life. If you can, do it every day - particularly when you return home from work. Then kick back your shoes, and enjoy some quality time with family and friends. Life is short. As GoDaddy.com CEO Bob Parsons says, we’re not here for a long time, we’re here for a good time. So, zoom out regularly, don’t sweat the small stuff – and you will be happy.

Rule #18 – Laugh, Dance, Smile!
“A friendly look, a kindly smile, one good act, and life's worthwhile.” - Unknown

You know, it’s funny...
The other week, I decided to attend a local Buddhist class. They were holding a discussion on the nature of happiness. The “enlightened one” entered center stage, a gentle, snail- paced walk to match his speech, and talked about what made us happy. This went on for a period of two hours, with many questions from the small audience. But here’s the thing. The teacher never smiled or laughed once the whole time. Not only that, neither did the audience! Enlightenment? I don’t think so. Boring is perhaps more apt. True happiness, self-development, freedom, comes from inside - and is expressed externally in bright faces, a big smile, and plenty of laughing. Just look at the Dalai Lama. Once you’ve applied the rules in this book, you’ll automatically find yourself being a happier, jollier person –
naturally! But why not give it all a little helping hand?
This rule is a reminder that you should surround yourself with happiness – and just watch it rub off on you! How? Get dancing, for a start! Studies show dancing to be the absolute BEST way to immediately rocket your happiness. It boosts serotonin levels, promotes good health and weight loss, and allows you to indulge in essential human and body contact. But it doesn’t stop there. Why not also...
Keep feel-great music CDs in your car. Cover the walls of your home with uplifting pictures. Watch more comedy movies. Listen to positive tunes on your iPod while working. Indulge in The Simpsons or Family Guy, and laugh at life itself. Heck, when it comes to that, give yourself a pat on the back for being the big, crazy screw-up that you are! Laugh at all of the silly problems you’ve been holding on to, so very well, for so long. Laugh that you’re even mad enough to read a book like this. Laugh that you’re alive, and that so many opportunities are open to you – right now. That’s why I think the Dalai Lama laughs so much. He’s realised the crazy, wonderful, ridiculous nature of life – and that the real meaning of us being here, if there is a meaning, is to be happy. So, right now – laugh, dance, smile – and you will be happy.

Appendix 1 – A Short
Course in Releasing
Releasing is a fantastic tool for unleashing freedom in your life! It allows you to let go of sadness and limitation, and embrace freedom and happiness. It enables you to drop negative emotion and increase positive emotion. Releasing allows you to control your feelings, rather than letting your feelings control you. In fact, I’d consider releasing to be perhaps the most important self-development technique on the planet. Sound interesting? Well, let’s start from the beginning. Emotions are how we feel. We feel grief after the death of a family member. We feel anger when somebody rubs us up the wrong way. We feel pride when we do a great job. Emotions are useful, and help make us human. But sometimes emotions hold us back. They cause us to freeze in fear when about to deliver our speech. They cause us to continue being angry toward someone we should've forgiven long ago. They cause us to carry on being addicted to gambling, or bad relationships. Yes, emotions have a lot to answer for! But the good thing is that you can control your emotions just as simply as you’d control a light switch. Turning them off is as simple as . You see, the secret you must realize is this:
You are not your emotions. That’s right. You are not your emotions. And your emotions are not you. Emotions are just things that you experience. Rather than “I am angry,” a more accurate description might be “I am experiencing anger.” And rather than “I am courageous,” a more lucid version may be “I am feeling courageous.” So, emotions are just things you experience. Sometimes they feel good, sometimes they run riot. And you can switch them off as easily as you’d switch off a plug socket. How? Through the process of releasing. Now, releasing is all about letting go of your negative emotions. When you let go of negative emotions, you’ll feel lighter and more stress-free. You’ll enjoy greater freedom and feel more at peace with the world. Releasing is always a great idea. (You can let go of positive emotions too, and you’ll typically feel even more positive as a result.)
How can you release? Firstly, you need to recognize that we’re each desperately
holding onto our emotions – even those emotions that aren’t serving us. We’re clenching them, like we’d clench our hands around a pencil or a small ball. We’re holding on to that fear, that grief, that apathy – because we somehow think that it is us, and that we need it. But when we realize that we are not our emotions, and that we don’t need it, we can simply choose to let it go. That is, we can unclench our fist – and allow that emotion to simply be free, or even drop out of our hands altogether. Let’s try it together. Think of something right now that you know is a concern for you. It might be a situation at work, or a particular person you dislike, or just some general worry that you have. Make it a simple issue for now, just for starters. Think of that thing, and notice the resistance that builds up in your stomach. Then simply ask yourself the question: “Can I let this go?” Which is another way of saying: Can you unclench the grip you have around this feeling right now? Can you release the grip? Can you let go of the resistance? Can you just drop the emotion attached to this issue? As you ask yourself “Can I let this go?” – breathe out, and answer honestly with “Yes” or “No” out loud. It doesn’t matter which you answer with, it’ll all provide you with an emotional release on some level. While exhaling, feel the release happening. Feel yourself unclenching that grip. Feel yourself just letting go of that emotion. Notice the difference? Remember, we are the ones that are holding on to our emotions. We are the ones that are causing them to continue living inside our minds. Would you prefer to hold on to your negative emotions even more, allowing them to bubble away inside your mind – or would you prefer to just let them go? Remember, by letting go, we’re not agreeing with it, or letting somebody off the hook. We’re simply releasing the emotion attached to it. We’re granting ourselves greater peace and serenity. Then, when you’re ready, connect to see whether that issue still has any charge. If it does, repeat the process once more: connect with the issue, ask yourself “Can I let this go?”, answer “Yes” or “No” while breathing out, and feel the release. Loop on this entire process a few more times. You’ll soon begin to really feel very different about the whole issue. Within minutes, you’ll notice the emotion has drastically reduced in size – and may just have disappeared altogether. Right? Finished? How did that feel? Let’s try it once more. This time, make sure you follow through the entire process. Out loud, too, if you can. Again, think of a situation which brings up some resistance in your tummy. It might be an annoying person, or a small worry that you have right now. Get in touch with that sensation, that energy, that feeling. Then ask yourself: “Can I let this go?”
Answer the question out loud, with a “Yes” or “No,” while breathing out. Remember, any answer is fine, they both work the same magic. Just be honest.
As you answer, loosen your clutch on the emotion. Relax into the comfort. Release.
Feel yourself unclenching. Feel yourself letting go. Releasing feels great. It’s like the feeling you get when the doctors call you, after those worrying tests – and say you’ve got the all clear. It’s total relief. That’s releasing. To help you feel the release even further, imagine two doors in front of your stomach opening, allowing all of the negative emotion just to flow out – as you let go. Really feel it happening. Great! Finished? Now check how you feel. If there’s still any emotional charge left, no worries. That’s fine! Repeat the process until you feel better about the issue, or want to finish. If you don’t feel any progress at all, don’t worry either. Just let go of trying to get results. Sometimes you’re too busy “watching” to really experience. And if you answer “No” during the process and don’t feel yourself able to let go, don't worry about that either. Every step, no matter how redundant it may feel, helps take you closer to emotional freedom. Just release on it and move on. And that’s it, really. Releasing is the quickest and easiest method for letting go of troublesome emotions. It’s the hidden process behind almost every therapy out there– from psychotherapy to tribal drum therapy. Except here we’re just releasing the emotions directly, rather than fluffing up the process. There’s no need to spend years sitting on a couch, going into your “back story” and analyzing precisely why things happened that way. Here, we just release – and move on. It really is as simple as that.

Just connect with the emotion and ask yourself: “Can I let this
go?” – then breathe out, answer “Yes” or “No,” and feel
yourself letting go. Easy! Further Releasing Methods There are other ways of releasing, too – all based on the same core “letting go” principle.
One of the most popular is the three questions method. This was popularized by the late Lester Levenson, and is now taught in the Abundance Course
(www.releasetechnique.com) and The Sedona Method (www.sedona.com). This technique is based on the following premises:
1. We don’t know that we can let emotions go
2. We don’t want to let go of emotions
3. We always put off letting go until later So, this method of releasing works by addressing each of these questions – allowing us to cycle through, and slowly let go of the emotions that are holding us back.
Here are the steps:
1. Think of the situation, and connect with the emotion you’d like to release.
2. Ask yourself: “Could I let this go?” (yes/no - answer out loud, honestly)
3. Move on to ask: “Would I let this go?” (again, yes/no)
4. And then: “When?” (now/later)
5. Feel that release – then check to see how the situation feels. If there’s still some emotional charge, go back to step one and loop again: you’ll find some issues are layered like onions, and are released over multiple passes. Or if you feel stuck in the actual process itself, let go of wanting to feel stuck, and start again – or rest for a while. Another popular releasing method is the welcoming technique, popularized by many releasing teachers, including Chris Payne with his Effort-Free Life System (www.effortfree.com).

Here are the steps to follow for this technique:
1. Lower your head and place your hand on your chest or
stomach. Get in touch with an emotion, or a situation
that has an emotional charge for you.
2. Notice the intensity of the feeling in your body, and rate
the intensity from 0 to 10.
3. Welcome the emotion, much as you’d welcome a friend into your home. Welcoming doesn’t mean you agree or forgive the emotion, just embrace it, accept it, welcome it. Allow it to be there, instead of pretending it doesn’t exist. Feel the welcoming.
4. Now get in touch with the emotion again. How does it feel?
5. Rate the intensity again, from 0 to 10. Keep going until it comes down to 0. If you feel stuck, ask yourself if you could let go of trying to change being stuck – or simply continue later. Releasing teacher Lester Levenson (whose work is now
continued through The Abundance Course and The Sedona Method) also used to suggest that individuals try letting go of wanting control, approval and security too. These are general terms that can help you release on emotions right across the board. You know, releasing is about letting go of emotions. It’s about detachment. It’s what the Eastern world calls letting go of our attachments and aversions. In the Western world, this releasing process is essentially the equivalent of saying:
“F**k it!”
(A wonderful argument set forth by John C. Parkin in his book of the same name.) Try each of these techniques yourself, and start using whichever suits you best. But remember to try them. Releasing isn’t just for reading about. It’s experiential.
Conclusion Releasing is a powerful method for gaining greater emotional freedom. It helps you realise that you are not your emotions – and thereby allows you to release all of the limiting thoughts, emotions and feelings that have held you back in the past. You’ll become happier, enjoy more self-empowerment, and simply be more free when you discover releasing for yourself. Take time out to go through all of your issues, negative emotions, and the people in your life – releasing on each in turn. You’ll feel the benefits immediately. Just keep asking yourself “Can I let this go?” Practice it as often as you can – and do it all the time. Even when you’re talking to somebody, you can release there and then, in that moment. It’s simple and it’s easy. To learn more about releasing, I’d suggest one of the following books:
• The Sedona Method – by Hale Dwoskin –
http://www.sedona.com
• The Abundance Course – by Larry Crane -
http://www.releasetechnique.com
• The Secret of Letting Go – by Guy Finley –
http://www.guyfinley.com
• Effort-Free Life System – by Chris Payne –
http://www.effortfree.com
• F**k It – by John C. Parkin – http://www.thefuckitway.com
Discover releasing for yourself, embrace it in your daily life – and I promise you’ll never look back.
Even if that releasing is as simple as saying “F**k it!” just a little more often.

Modern Love: Those Aren’t Fighting Words, Dear

By LAURA A. MUNSON
Published: July 31, 2009

LET’S say you have what you believe to be a healthy marriage. You’re still friends and lovers after spending more than half of your lives together. The dreams you set out to achieve in your 20s — gazing into each other’s eyes in candlelit city bistros when you were single and skinny — have for the most part come true.

Two decades later you have the 20 acres of land, the farmhouse, the children, the dogs and horses. You’re the parents you said you would be, full of love and guidance. You’ve done it all: Disneyland, camping, Hawaii, Mexico, city living, stargazing.

Sure, you have your marital issues, but on the whole you feel so self-satisfied about how things have worked out that you would never, in your wildest nightmares, think you would hear these words from your husband one fine summer day: “I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did. I’m moving out. The kids will understand. They’ll want me to be happy.”

But wait. This isn’t the divorce story you think it is. Neither is it a begging-him-to-stay story. It’s a story about hearing your husband say “I don’t love you anymore” and deciding not to believe him. And what can happen as a result.

Here’s a visual: Child throws a temper tantrum. Tries to hit his mother. But the mother doesn’t hit back, lecture or punish. Instead, she ducks. Then she tries to go about her business as if the tantrum isn’t happening. She doesn’t “reward” the tantrum. She simply doesn’t take the tantrum personally because, after all, it’s not about her.

Let me be clear: I’m not saying my husband was throwing a child’s tantrum. No. He was in the grip of something else — a profound and far more troubling meltdown that comes not in childhood but in midlife, when we perceive that our personal trajectory is no longer arcing reliably upward as it once did. But I decided to respond the same way I’d responded to my children’s tantrums. And I kept responding to it that way. For four months.

“I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did.”

His words came at me like a speeding fist, like a sucker punch, yet somehow in that moment I was able to duck. And once I recovered and composed myself, I managed to say, “I don’t buy it.” Because I didn’t.

He drew back in surprise. Apparently he’d expected me to burst into tears, to rage at him, to threaten him with a custody battle. Or beg him to change his mind.

So he turned mean. “I don’t like what you’ve become.”

Gut-wrenching pause. How could he say such a thing? That’s when I really wanted to fight. To rage. To cry. But I didn’t.

Instead, a shroud of calm enveloped me, and I repeated those words: “I don’t buy it.”

You see, I’d recently committed to a non-negotiable understanding with myself. I’d committed to “The End of Suffering.” I’d finally managed to exile the voices in my head that told me my personal happiness was only as good as my outward success, rooted in things that were often outside my control. I’d seen the insanity of that equation and decided to take responsibility for my own happiness. And I mean all of it.

My husband hadn’t yet come to this understanding with himself. He had enjoyed many years of hard work, and its rewards had supported our family of four all along. But his new endeavor hadn’t been going so well, and his ability to be the breadwinner was in rapid decline. He’d been miserable about this, felt useless, was losing himself emotionally and letting himself go physically. And now he wanted out of our marriage; to be done with our family.

But I wasn’t buying it.

I said: “It’s not age-appropriate to expect children to be concerned with their parents’ happiness. Not unless you want to create co-dependents who’ll spend their lives in bad relationships and therapy. There are times in every relationship when the parties involved need a break. What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?”

“Huh?” he said.

“Go trekking in Nepal. Build a yurt in the back meadow. Turn the garage studio into a man-cave. Get that drum set you’ve always wanted. Anything but hurting the children and me with a reckless move like the one you’re talking about.”

Then I repeated my line, “What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?”

“Huh?”

“How can we have a responsible distance?”

“I don’t want distance,” he said. “I want to move out.”

My mind raced. Was it another woman? Drugs? Unconscionable secrets? But I stopped myself. I would not suffer.

Instead, I went to my desk, Googled “responsible separation” and came up with a list. It included things like: Who’s allowed to use what credit cards? Who are the children allowed to see you with in town? Who’s allowed keys to what?

I looked through the list and passed it on to him.

His response: “Keys? We don’t even have keys to our house.”

I remained stoic. I could see pain in his eyes. Pain I recognized.

“Oh, I see what you’re doing,” he said. “You’re going to make me go into therapy. You’re not going to let me move out. You’re going to use the kids against me.”

“I never said that. I just asked: What can we do to give you the distance you need ... ”

“Stop saying that!”

Well, he didn’t move out.

Instead, he spent the summer being unreliable. He stopped coming home at his usual six o’clock. He would stay out late and not call. He blew off our entire Fourth of July — the parade, the barbecue, the fireworks — to go to someone else’s party. When he was at home, he was distant. He wouldn’t look me in the eye. He didn’t even wish me “Happy Birthday.”

But I didn’t play into it. I walked my line. I told the kids: “Daddy’s having a hard time as adults often do. But we’re a family, no matter what.” I was not going to suffer. And neither were they.

MY trusted friends were irate on my behalf. “How can you just stand by and accept this behavior? Kick him out! Get a lawyer!”

I walked my line with them, too. This man was hurting, yet his problem wasn’t mine to solve. In fact, I needed to get out of his way so he could solve it.

I know what you’re thinking: I’m a pushover. I’m weak and scared and would put up with anything to keep the family together. I’m probably one of those women who would endure physical abuse. But I can assure you, I’m not. I load 1,500-pound horses into trailers and gallop through the high country of Montana all summer. I went through Pitocin-induced natural childbirth. And a Caesarean section without follow-up drugs. I am handy with a chain saw.

I simply had come to understand that I was not at the root of my husband’s problem. He was. If he could turn his problem into a marital fight, he could make it about us. I needed to get out of the way so that wouldn’t happen.

Privately, I decided to give him time. Six months.

I had good days, and I had bad days. On the good days, I took the high road. I ignored his lashing out, his merciless jabs. On bad days, I would fester in the August sun while the kids ran through sprinklers, raging at him in my mind. But I never wavered. Although it may sound ridiculous to say “Don’t take it personally” when your husband tells you he no longer loves you, sometimes that’s exactly what you have to do.

Instead of issuing ultimatums, yelling, crying or begging, I presented him with options. I created a summer of fun for our family and welcomed him to share in it, or not — it was up to him. If he chose not to come along, we would miss him, but we would be just fine, thank you very much. And we were.

And, yeah, you can bet I wanted to sit him down and persuade him to stay. To love me. To fight for what we’ve created. You can bet I wanted to.

But I didn’t.

I barbecued. Made lemonade. Set the table for four. Loved him from afar.

And one day, there he was, home from work early, mowing the lawn. A man doesn’t mow his lawn if he’s going to leave it. Not this man. Then he fixed a door that had been broken for eight years. He made a comment about our front porch needing paint. Our front porch. He mentioned needing wood for next winter. The future. Little by little, he started talking about the future.

It was Thanksgiving dinner that sealed it. My husband bowed his head humbly and said, “I’m thankful for my family.”

He was back.

And I saw what had been missing: pride. He’d lost pride in himself. Maybe that’s what happens when our egos take a hit in midlife and we realize we’re not as young and golden anymore.

When life’s knocked us around. And our childhood myths reveal themselves to be just that. The truth feels like the biggest sucker-punch of them all: it’s not a spouse or land or a job or money that brings us happiness. Those achievements, those relationships, can enhance our happiness, yes, but happiness has to start from within. Relying on any other equation can be lethal.

My husband had become lost in the myth. But he found his way out. We’ve since had the hard conversations. In fact, he encouraged me to write about our ordeal. To help other couples who arrive at this juncture in life. People who feel scared and stuck. Who believe their temporary feelings are permanent. Who see an easy out, and think they can escape.

My husband tried to strike a deal. Blame me for his pain. Unload his feelings of personal disgrace onto me.

But I ducked. And I waited. And it worked.


Laura A. Munson is a writer who lives in Whitefish, Mont.
A version of this article appeared in print on August 2, 2009, on page ST8 of the New York edition.